The Diary of an NL Programmer

What the Bleep?

2010-03-11T02:13:00.001-08:00

Last night I watched "What the bleep do we know?" I know that I'm a little late - the craze has passed - I'm a late adopter, you see. I have always been inclined to run the other way when faced with fads, trends and "must-haves". I have relented in some areas of my life, like clothes and makeup - but what goes into my head is strictly MY business. If everybody else is raving about it, then I avoid it, just as I would any disease.

I consider such hypes to be Mass Illusions. The creators are clever, manipulative and, at the end of the hype, hyper-wealthy. Since money is generally the inspiration for such projects, I think that I am justified in my suspicion - it's afterall not really intended to help ME, but rather to line someone else's nest*.

After a lot of badgering on the part of a friend of mine (who is almost constantly stressed and full of self-doubt) I decided to shut her up by watching the DVD. I found the story line weird, deliberately so, which bothered me. Like watching The Celestine Prophecy all those years ago and being constantly jogged out of my film trance by the appalling acting.

I know, you could say that I was dragged out of my comfort zone by the depth of the material, but don't think so when I fell into a deep sleep at least 3 times. Ah, the clever film makers designed it to send the viewer into deep trance.... yes, maybe. It's not my intention to knock the film, which will have helped millions to at least consider the possibilities around them.

There was one line in the film that I did agree with and it went a bit like this: most people practice Positive Thinking by applying a thin veneer of positivity onto an underbed of negativity". This is a good point and it arises out of denying yourself the chance to get to grips with the so-called negativity. Instead it gets suppressed under a forced smile and cheerful chatter and the goo continues to churn darkly under the surface, while we pretend to be OK. The more we suppress the more forced the smile.

Let's face it we live a tenuous existence. If you don't get scared once in a while, then you haven't worked out what's going down here. We are perched and over-packed on a ball hurtling through an endless universe and we are but a drop on a drop on a drop on drop.... we are meaningless in the BIG picture. Our lives here on earth seem to follow some folly but we cannot know what's coming or when. That some people have it harder than others we attribute to them "needing to learn the lessons". Perhaps, but we can't say that for sure either and that line of thinking adds to the stress as we try to work out what the hell we are meant to be learning (and why). And who's the teacher?

We are making it all up as we go, rolling with the punches, catching the curve-balls and dancing to our own music.

At least, that's the choice that I have made, because my life is meaning-FULL to me, this one drop of precious life.

If I am making it up, then I'm gonna live it my way! Sometimes my music is bright and chirpy, and sometimes it's heavy. At times the 1812 overture and at others Paolo Nuttini's "Sunny Side Up". I could try to force myself to always be playing sunny music, but I don't think that would be right for me. Sometimes a deeply melancholic song exactly matches my mindset, and I can meet myself there. In the moments where I acknowledge where I am and how I am doing, I observe the experience and release the melancholy. By-the-by the emotion shifts and I am able to see, hear, feel what I need to do - or not do. I would say to recover, but that would assume that I am in something that I need to recover from. I am being, feeling, living and loving what is. I don't have to be anywhere other than where I am and how I got there does not interest me.

Sometimes, dear reader, shit happens. Losing confidence over shit, or pretending not to have any shit, is silly. Please choose for yourself.

Contrary to many disciplines that encourage us to take control (it's even onMY website) we cannot determine exactly what chocklits we gonna git†. You might be aiming for Turkish Delight and end up with a Cockroach Cluster or an Anthrax Ripple‡! Focussing on what you want is an excellent exercise, but please remember the result doesn't always have something to say about you. There are more factors at play than your thoughts and actions alone.

We can only take control over what we do with the chocklit that we got.

Scrape away the veneer, open the curtains, let down the flood gates, feel the fear, taste the chocklit, whatever is driving you to pretend that you're OK. You're feeling it anyway, so why not give it space? Call it "positive" and free it. And in the time it's taken you to read this piece, you have worked out that positivity or negativity are just names for concepts, and that you have the choice to feel everything without having to label it good or bad and make it so.

What the bleep do we know? What the bleep do we need to know?

: Get creative with your chocklits!!

* Since I won't be earning one red cent for this blog, you can assume that I do have your interests at heart!

† Forrest Gump

‡ Monty Python

The A-Z of Positivity. Invictus.

2010-03-09T13:11:00.001-08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This is a poem which Nelson Mandela read as his inspiration for survival whilst imprisoned on Robbin Island. It spurned him to strive for greatness and to bring about peace and forgiveness in a racially divided South Africa.

I have to reflect on the fact that Mandela could find it in himself to rise above his pain, his incarceration and the inequities of life under Apartheid. He was able to forgive, unite and be "bigger than his enemy". If he could do it then there is hope for us all.

How many of us hold on to old pain, and "hate" or dislike someone or people who did us wrong in the past? I have for sure. What I have come to understand, on a comparatively small-scale, is that the pain is attached to something old and has no place in my life now. By letting go of the past, and recharging it by reframing the pain with the lessons which you have learnt through it, then you set yourself free to accept, to move on and to strive for your own greatness.

Greatness doesn't have to mean being superman, or in any way larger than life. It simply means letting the light shine through you. By keeping your windows clean and by opening your heart to let the pain dissolve, love can cast its' light.

When I was a kid growing up in Africa, I never thought I would see the day when two racial groups would stand like they did in 1995. Fighting for peace is contradictory. Peace comes through making peace, so lay down your weapons and stop fighting the ghosts of your past.

: Nelson Mandela and Francois Pienaar

Tip: go and see the film Invictus. It's inspiring and moving, even if it paints an overly optimistic picture of racial unification in Africa. It does illustrate how sport can either divide us or unite us. It also shows us how to make peace.

www.positivitynow.nl

The A-Z of Positivity. Get Real Soon!

2010-03-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

A couple of days have gone by and I have been feeling quite ill. I am not sure what I had, but it was nasty, but luckily short-lived.

This is not a call for sympathy. More a call for normality.

I received a number of get well soon messages from friends. One of the most annoying messages came from a holistic good-body who urged me think about what I have been thinking, to have become ill.

What annoyed me was the insensitivity of her well-meaning, well-intentioned and heartfelt request. As I sat and thought about what I was thinking I realised that I was feeling panic. The thought broke into my head: "If I caused this myself, then I must be nuts, because this sucks!" and that little thought alone turned me to jelly.

How nice. To be ill and then to be referred to one's aberrant thought processes, doubtlessly assuming that we are always, at all times, accountable for any bug, virus or bacteria that chooses to land on us and set up shop in our bodies. What alot of guilt!*

I'd like to debunk this concept. It's nonsense. I know that it seems to be the zenith of positivity as practised in God-Blessed-America to blame the sufferer for her own suffering, under the disguise of taking responsibility for ourselves. This assumes that we have dominion over all things. I think that it is short-sighted, callous and irrational and, therefore, not positivity as I practise it.

I am the first to take responsibility for myself, and when I am ill I do that by resting and caring for my body and I try to maintain a reasonable emotional state. I don't go charging after the virus or bacteria with a search warrant, demanding to know what thought or what part of me gave it permission to land. It did. Knowing why won't change that fact.

Now I would like it to leave, but positive thinking alone isn't going to help me there either. It'll leave when it's ready, or not. But it will feel worse, nastier, harder, and more painful if I fight against it. When positive thinking is about visualising my body as being clean, healthy and in tip-top shape, well, then the difference between and my desired state and the current status becomes a gaping pit of despair: I want to be there, but I am here. I want to be there, but I am here.

Yes, I am here. Best to just accept it and deal with it. By listening to my body's needs and giving it whatever amount of sleep, food, and exercise I hear or feel or see being requested. If the doctor is part of the need, then pay him or her a visit. Be nice to yourself and give yourself a break. If that's positive thinking, then I'm all for it!

So, well-meaning good bodies of the world: thanks for the heart-felt and positively intended messages, but next time a simple "Crap that you're feeling shitty. Hope you get well soon" would be nice. That way, I'll know that you're really with me!

*If I EVER did this to you, then I am really, truly sorry!

The A-Z of Positivity. Feelings don't always rule!

2010-03-02T03:33:00.000-08:00

In a society where we are pounded by messages telling us to express and obey our feelings and desires, it was inevitable that we would start using them as excuses.

Have you ever said, thought or heard: "I don't feel like it."? Sure you have. It's normal to not want to get going sometimes.

No-one looks forward to taking huge risks, or working really hard on a tricky piece of research, or documenting a long-winded process. At least I haven't met the man or woman who does. Yet.

Pushing yourself harder or further than you've ever been might be a challenge. But do you really think the explorer gets up in the morning after weeks of trekking over the bleakest and hardest terrein, having had no shower and munching on the same rations AGAIN, and thinks "whoopee, let's go discover something?" I am sure he or she has an off day once in a while.
Just as it's my guess is that the celebrated heart surgeon has an "Oh, god, not another life saving operation to perform.. give me just five minutes more under the duvet..." feeling on the occasional morning.

No matter how sexy your job is, you won't always feel like it. That's because some things some times aren't fun to do.

But, work is work. Read that again. Work is work. Not work is easy... You are not supposed to always feel like it. That would be easy.

If you have passed puberty, then your licence to use "I don't feel like it" as a reason not to do something, has expired.

Here's the rub: whether you like it or not, the market expects a result, even when (especially when) you work for yourself. Get on with it. Put the feelings to one side, and do the work.

If you can't then you either need a kick in the pants, or another job. Simple.

The A-Z of Positivity. Woodpecker Wisdom.

2010-03-01T05:57:00.001-08:00

I walk my dogs in the forests around my town everyday. There is a plethora of wildlife around us, living in the green, dense vegetation which miraculously survives the need for housing space for the ever-expanding population of tiny little Holland. While it lasts, we enjoy it.

In the last couple of weeks I have heard a woodpecker knocking, and it is a sound which turned my head and stopped me in my tracks. I had never really thought about it before, but I assumed that a woodpecker would go at a tree in a frenzy - I mean if you want to make a hole in wood you need to apply some force and beak power....

I was therefore amazed to discover that the woodpecker takes his time. He drills a little, and then uses his long tongue to suck insects out of the wood, and he takes the time to relish his meal before the next stint of head bashing.

This got me thinking about my own routine, which used to consist of going at a task until it was complete. I had the tendency to get a little manic, tired and ratty, but the job always got done. Hole in one.

These days, having passed the 40 mark, I am learning to pace myself. Moreover, I started to get some unmissable feedback to remind me that I cannot control everything and some results are not to be gotten in one go. It was the start of the lesson in patience and learning to take my time, to enjoy my meal.

The woodpecker seems to herald itself to the listener who needs to learn this lesson. That's written in a book out of my library "Speaking with Animals", written by someone who says he knows these things.

In my past, in addition to running at everything, I also used to read signposts: A black cat crossing your path, a baboon in your litchi tree, a dung beetle labouring away in the full glare of the sun (I grew up in Africa)... what did they all mean? What did I need to understand from them?

I snapped out of these superstitious fantasies one day whilst driving home from a Sweat Lodge in South Africa. I had been in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of seekers, shamans and Muthi-men (Muthi = medicine in Zulu). We had prayed and sweated for peace, both within and in the world, we had asked our ancestors to show us a peek preview of forthcoming attractions, and at the end of the week, we stank.

There I was in my car, driving in a trance, reflecting on the experiences of the past few days, when a pretty little bird collided with my windscreen and lay, with pretty little neck broken at an unnerving angle, in the cavity by my windscreen washers. I could not miss it. It was a sign...

I was so alarmed that I called up one of the shamans and asked him what he thought of the significance of the bird's fate. His answer? "You were probably driving too fast and the bird was probably not looking where he was going...!"

I hit Planet Reality with earth-shattering force. Wake up call: some things just happen, don't get too caught up in the butterfly flapping its' wings causing a hurricane somewhere in the world thing. It's all metaphorical after all. Just like horoscopes, especially the ones in the morning paper.

There is danger in following external signs, as was proven by Holland's very own Sven Kramer last week. In the 10000m Olympic skating event, where Sven was the favourite, he over-rode his own instincts to follow the incorrect (and accidental) signage from his coach. It was unfortunate , but Sven would have broken the standing Olympic 10000m record AND would have taken the gold medal*...had he been skating in the right lane. By following the signs from his coach, Sven switched lanes incorrectly and was thus disqualified from the race. He went home empty-handed and feeling both angry and cheated. His coach felt pretty ill too.

The lesson: be alert, listen, look and feel. Connect with the world and all in it. Reflect upon what you notice. Take out of it what you can use. Say your thanks and get on with YOUR life.

Don't let horoscopes, weathermen or woodpeckers determine your life for you. You do that bit!

: The danger of following signs...

* Sven went on to finish the race, only to be told as he finished that his efforts were for nothing. He was a clear 4 seconds faster than his nearest competitor, which would have won him the gold medal and the new Olympic record. Bah!

The A-Z of Positivity. Woodpecker Wisdom.

2010-03-01T05:57:00.000-08:00

The lesson: be alert, listen, look and feel. Connect with the world and all in it. Reflect upon what you notice. Take out of it what you can use. Say your thanks and get on with YOUR life.

Don't let horoscopes, weathermen or woodpeckers determine your life for you. You do that bit!

: The danger of following signs...

The A-Z of Positivity. Speak Up!

2010-02-28T02:35:00.000-08:00

Not because I am deaf, or anything. Rather I am getting a wee tad tired of people who complain in private and remain schtum in public. I can't see the fun in listening to moans and groans whispered in the hallway, with the request NOT to pass it on to so-and-so.

I've always been exceedingly unpolitical in this way. Instead of keeping "mum" and walking on, I have this tendency to give a sharp look at the complainer, and ask them to stop their story and to tell it to the right ear. Not to my right ear - but to the ear of the person who rightfully needs to receive the message. Moreover, I have been known to go to rightful ear and tell it to connect with complaining mouth, thus short-circuiting the complaint complex.

I have not made myself popular in this way, at least not at first. Some have grown to respect that my ears do not receive private chagrin. Others have grown to avoid me. Either way, no problem.

I am as direct when I have a complaint too. I wasn't always this way, but I have learnt from the best. 10 years of living in Holland have provided me with some fairly good role models and I have become adept at giving forthright feedback.

It's not to be mean, nasty or uncaring. Quite the contrary. I am most interested in wellbeing: my own AND for the greater community. I raise my kids to have an active antenna for the few billion other people, animals and nature that co-habit this planet. I encourage them to find their place whilst considering that sometimes they will get what they want, and sometimes they might have to settle for a little less, in the interests of the whole.

I know that there are parents who take a different tack, encouraging their kids to grab all they can and squeeze the fun out of life. What I have noticed is that these very same little people tend to squeeze the fun out of life for just about everyone else, with their lists of demands and need for instant gratification. This does not change into adulthood, unless they are confronted with a (metaphorically speaking) very large brick wall and no brakes.... All too often these kids become grabbing and egotistical adults.

I have no problem with this style of upbringing or adult existence - live and let live I say. And live. But when the fun is being squeezed out of my life, or my kids' lives, I will open my mouth and issue a complaint, and a request to desist. Straight to the source of the squeeze and without any embarrassment or discomfort for the fact that I am taking the issue on full square.

After all, I am not causing a conflict, that was done for me. I am simply bringing it to an end.

I don't expect a result. I have been faced with this too often to know that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes my friendly but straight request will be met by a childish or aggressive retort. But so what? What more would you expect from someone who has never been socialized? At the very least, I tried.

But mostly the recipient is so surprised and shocked to encounter friendly resistance - instead of rebukes or aggression - that their brain freezes and the behaviour stops. That's the moment I slip in a suggestion to adapt the behaviour to something more reasonable. I like to take the path of least resistance.

Funny, complainers will think that they are taking this path too. Afterall, what's easier than avoiding the issue? But that's a lie to yourself, so stop it. By holding your point of view inside yourself and churning the situation over and over again, stomach acid, heart burn and mental misery become your companions.

And that's not very positive, is it?

So, here is my plea: tell it straight, tell it straight away and direct it at the right ear.

Make a start by reframing your complaint as "feedback". You are simply feeding information back to the sender. Helping him or her to get it right next time round. Something friendly like that is usually helpful in learning to speak up. It also takes away, or at least substantially reduces, the emotional charge behind a complaint which in turn reduces the chances of you blowing a fuse.

Get it off your chest and out of your way. Free up room for life to be lived!

The A-Z of Positivity. Honesty. YES!

2010-02-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

Spot the difference:

A chat with my eight year old:

Jane: "Would you like to try some spinach?"

8-year-old: "No, it's disgusting!"

Jane: "How do you know?"

8-year-old: "It looks disgusting!"

Conversation with a coachee:

Jane: "Would you like to experience more satisfaction in your job?"

38-year-old Coachee: "Yes, but I can't."

Jane: "How do you know?"

38-year-old Coachee: "I don't know. But I just can't."

The difference? Age.

For the rest the stories are pretty much the same. A pity, because my daughter denies herself the spinach experience which is a mild miss on the culinary agenda of life perhaps, but a miss in any case.

A bigger pity in the case of my coachee who seems hell-bent on missing out on job satisfaction, which, in my experience - and his - is a palpable miss.

It's my function to guide my 8-year-old daughter through her culinary education aswell as to ensure that she gets her daily vitamins and minerals. Spinach is thus a recurring theme in her education and I wait for the day when she actually tries it before disputing its worthiness as an edible substance. Time and patience are my allies. When she tries it and declares it disgusting, then I will adjust my expectations of spinach in relation to her.

It's also my function to help my coachee understand how he can experience more job satisfaction and together we unpeel the onion, layer by layer. I don't mean by asking " why don't you like it?" although that might come up. The answer I am looking for lies in his statement " I just can't..." His is an ability issue. He hasn't got the skills at the moment to be able to find satisfaction in his job. What skills does he need?

He's not alone. Literally millions of people find themselves in the same boat each morning, awakening on a beautiful morning to the thought " oh, god, I have to go to work..." . End of beautiful morning. What a shame, the morning keeps on being beautiful, but we remove our focus from it and put it onto the self-made black hole we call JOB.

If this is you, then listen up.

You can't enjoy because you haven't tried. Really. You won't enjoy because not enjoying enables you to blame your job for your lack of progress, or for your general unhappiness. It's a diversion tactic.

If I had another job, if I lived somewhere else, if I were married to someone else.... Notice anything? It's all about something or someone else, someone other than you. Yet YOU are the one not enjoying. Can you blame a job for that? Or someone else? Or a country, a town, a village, a morning, the weather?

What about getting up in the morning and saying: "YES, man! Here comes another rocking day at the office...!" ?

"How?" I hear your dry throated whisper?

Just do it. Look with your eyes wide open, hear with both your ears pinned back and an empty mind, feel with more than your "intuition" - plug into where you are. Say Yes to it. Start by taking a little taste, swill it around, check out the texture and then judge.

I have just watched an interview with Jeremy Wotherspoon. He's a Canadian speed skater. He's won a load of races, but he's never been able to haul in an Olympic Gold. Tonight is his last chance. He's broken his arm while skating, he's been beaten a million times, he's been lampooned and he's been sidelined. This is true of many top sporting personalities. Has he given up Olympic skating citing lack of job satisfaction? No way. He's in Vancouver right now, preparing himself for the ride of his skating life*.

His philosophy: be in the moment, enjoy the movement of skating, feel the speed, have fun, keep the goal in mind.

If you have really tried and you still can't find satisfaction, then find another job. That's how you do it!

*sadly, Jeremy Wotherspoon did not succeed in obtaining gold. But I guess that he DID have a fun race!

The A-Z of Positivity. Honesty. eXtract yourselves!

2010-02-17T02:22:00.000-08:00

I am mother, business woman, trainer, writer, wife, mentor, coach, friend, customer... .

Actually, I am none of the above.

I am something and someone very different to and deeper than the (transitory) roles that I play, and so much more than the functions that I fulfil.

The role:function=self confusion is one that I think is worth paying attention to. It is afterall, one of the single biggest reasons for our unhappiness and our experience of a lack of true positivity.

For example, one of my training participants recently told me how she "has to be" positive. My hair turned grey(er) and stood (more) on end as the assumptions rolled unnoticed out of her mouth, and the number of modal operators she employed to tell her story quite literally turned my mouth dry. I felt that I needed a stiff drink at the end of her monologue. She walked away pleased that she had told the teacher what she thought teacher wanted to hear... oops!

It is almost the same story that I have heard a thousand times before. We get so hung up on what we "have to do" or "be" - more positive, or a better mother, or a more efficient manager, that we neglect to really notice what we are programming into our heads .

This road we are steering ourselves along is perilous at best... It does not lead to Positivity and has nothing to with a true experience of this life.

PLEASE STOP the madness! You don't "need to do" anything, you don't "have to be" anything. There is no "must" making you follow anyone else's instructions to lead a better life or to improve your own achievements in a certain function.

The only things you need are you, you and you: and all shades of you. You only "need" to realise that you are fulfilling functions and that you are playing roles. Instead of which, you could get plugged into you, listen to your self, watch your self and feel your way towards touchdown and SCORE!

If you want more Positivity, then live it. Your way. You cannot BE more positive than you are already.

What are you? A manager? A friend? A husband? A lover? A mother?

That's not WHO you are, that's what you do. These aspects describe your functions. The trouble is we take our function on as a role and it becomes us. It ain't pretty when the lights of awareness dim and we switch over to automatic pilot. When we believe that our roles are who we are, we are in deep pooh.

The mother who turns her function as mother into a role will not know that the time for mothering is finished when her children leave home. It's time for a new function. Instead, she keeps on being mother and insists that her child maintains the role as child. The relationship becomes uneasy, even stressful and a lack of authenticity surrounds their relationship.

It's a nasty, and mostly unconscious, game and a lot of us are playing it. There is positivity enough for us all, pass it on....

How will you know that you're role-playing*?

1) You describe yourself in terms of the functions that you fulfil. "I am a Trainer" instead of "I work as a Trainer."

2) You take your function so seriously that it becomes who you are and hence feedback about your function becomes (over)personalised.

3) You use modal operators such as " have to", "need to", " should", "must". When you hear yourself using these phrases, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee...

4) Your relationships with others become strained or feel inauthentic. If you aren't really being yourself, then how can you expect to have real relationships?

If you've been on the receiving end of this game, you'll know how it goes. Do yourself and your environment a favour by waking up to who you really are and be alert to when you are playing a role?

And stop.

* I am sometimes tickled by the people who refuse to do role plays during training courses on the grounds that "it isn't real". These same people go back into their roles at work or at home and play, all the time believing that THAT is real. :-)

The A-Z of Positivity. Why?

2010-02-16T13:59:00.001-08:00

Lament:

Why?

1) can't we be straight with one another and just tell the truth?

2) can't we play nicely with one another and be fair instead of grabbing all we can for ourselves?

3) can't we open our hearts to the suffering of others and remember that we can do something, no matter how small, to make the life of even just one of our fellow humans easier, brighter, or richer? And why can't we do this without expecting something back in return?

4) can't we recognise the beauty around us and stop throwing our rubbish at it and polluting our world with CO2 and toxic waste, including that generated by our greed and consumerism?

5) do we sit in our ivory towers and claim the right to do what we want at any cost to others, while ignoring our obligation to contribute to making the world a better place for us all?

Why?

Why is a silly question. There are a zillion why's. But they are all only excuses.

NOTHING stops us. All we have to do is take some responsibility.

Have you taken yours today?

" Contribute to a brighter forecast!"

The A-Z of Positivity. Veritas.

2010-02-10T12:14:00.000-08:00

This was the motto of my high school. Actually it was Justicia et Veritas, but I needed a "V" for the A-Z of Positivity...!

Truth and Justice.

Growing up in South Africa during Apartheid, whilst attending a school which propagated these two values was, in retrospect, a rather weird juxtaposition. However, in addition to the mass injustice perpetrated against millions of black people, our own upbringing " down south" was quite severe.

We were instilled with discipline and respect and there was an almost fascist insistence for us to fit in and get on with what had to be done. There were a few colourful characters, the ones who opened their mouths too wide, or who dared to show some style of their own. But that was not a problem when there was punishment at hand. Boys got "six of the best" with the cane and girls got detention. I don't know which was worse.

The point of the punishment? Get on with what has to be done.

No surprise, then, that we got on with what had to be done. Trouble wasn't tolerated and so there wasn't much of it. We had fun though, safe in the knowledge that we could take it "so" far, within the tolerated bounds. To step over the line was strictly at own risk. We knew the consequences.

This probably sounds anything but positive and you might be wondering where I am going with this one.

Actually, I learnt important lessons from my school experience. Justicia et Veritas are my core values to this day, for better or for worse. It's not always easy to do the right thing. Other people don't always play fair with you. Sometimes it's handier to bend the truth a bit.

However, I've found a way to get these two to work for me and they form a part of Positivity as I practise it.

1) Do what has to be done. When the chips are down, focus yourself and knuckle down. Distraction is just what it is and will not bring you to a good end.

2) Tell the truth. Lying makes matters worse because the truth always "comes out in the wash."
(I love that metaphor...!)

3)As far as fairness is concerned, just make sure that you can look yourself in the mirror at the start and end of each day - "to thine own self be true".

Subtract the need to fit in and add a whole lot of colour and I have arrived at the grown up version of Justicia et Veritas.

My heartfelt thanks to the rigorous, but fair, teachers who helped shape PositivityJane!

While you are reading this, perhaps you are thinking about characters from your own past who helped shape who you are today.

How did they do that? What did they do?

Think too: it could be that you are going through something now that will bring you out at a better place later?

We always come out at a better place, as long as we undergo the journey.

Perhaps you begin to see that we can be grateful now for things that we did not appreciate at the time. Say your thanks, even if only out loud to yourself.

Be fair, tell the truth!

The A-Z of Positivity.Un-Believe Ability

2010-02-09T02:16:00.001-08:00

When I started out as a change worker I thought that beliefs would be hard to change in others. They were.

When I started out as a trainer, a well-meaning colleague told me to watch out for the three “difficult participants” who attend every training course. She was right: they were always there, all three of them.

When I was a student I was convinced that I was not very clever and that I would fail my exams. And I did. The more I failed the more I believed that I was stupid.

When I was younger I felt fat, ugly and unattractive. I constantly received feedback that this was true, had few boyfriends and felt awkward at parties and social events, preferring to avoid them altogether.

“You’ll see it when you believe it” was the title of Wayne W. Dyer’s book in which he twisted the age-old adage: “you’ll believe it when you see it”. This turnaround title highlights that what we experience is a result of what we believe we experience and that we have control over this process.

Reading this title* one day in the late 1990’s, whilst browsing in a bookshop in Reading U.K., set off a chain of events which have led me to believe the following today:

Beliefs are easy to change if you see the need to and you want to. I’ve done it a thousand times, as have you.
In each training course I speak to a roomful of open, interested and interesting people. I no longer find three difficult participants. Because I’m not looking for them.
I am clever enough and I regard failure as feedback which enables me to get a desired result the next time. The more I succeed the more I believe that I can.
I am as I am, and I am as beautiful and as average as the next person. The feedback that I receive these days is that I have a smile which makes most people feel happy to see me. Today I stand on stages, in front of audiences and I love the spotlight.

People have told me that I am a ” Positive” person, and I wonder what that means.

That I look for and act on opportunities to get to where I want to be? That I prefer to smile, shine and engage with others instead of being glum, dowdy and avoidable? That I have a laugh that makes others laugh? Perhaps my life and what I make of it looks like I have had an easy ride. ” On the contrary, Dear Watson!”

Without the details, it’s enough to say that I have rescued myself from depression, devastation and self-denigration. How?

A good first step was in realising that I am choosing my experiences, and that my beliefs were leading to the results that I was getting. I had to take a leap of faith and start believing something else instead of what I was used to. This was a big chunk, and the change didn’t happen overnight.
So, an excellent second step was to keep going, to never give up. There were moments when I slipped back into the mire (even now). Life and it’s challenges overcome us all, even those of us who have positivity on our side!
A third step was to look for evidence. Proof that what I was working on was working. I have discovered three new laughs in myself since I started this journey and they are proof perfect that I am on the right track. One sounds like a donkey yawing, another like an evil cartoon character revelling in the successful hatching of an evil cartoon plot, and the other is indescribable and feels indescribably wonderful to be doing…
Step 4 was to adjust what I was doing or thinking if there was proof that I wasn’t getting the desired results.
At the same time I had to remember step 5 which was to accept that I was where I was. Wishing myself elsewhere only postponed my ability to really get elsewhere. So when I was down and feeling like giving up, I accepted completely that I was feeling down and feeling like giving up. And then, all by itself, the process went back to step 2, especially as I passed by step 3 and got a whiff of proof which hinted that my attempts needed a touch of step 4, being adjustment.

You see, I believe these things because I have chosen to believe them and I have sought the proof for their existence. As a result of believing them, I can see them. I am a “positive person” only because Positivity is something that I actively do and perhaps that makes me lucky. But as I see it, and in the words of my fellow countryman, Gary Player: “The more I practice the luckier I get.”

The A-Z of Positivity. Show up and Act!

2010-02-05T04:21:00.001-08:00

"Pisces Mortui Solum Cum Flumine Natant."*

Anybody? No? Well then you'll have to read on to find out what it means...

You've probably worked out by now that a part of the fun of Positivity lies in letting go of what you already know, what you've already done and where you've already been.

It's about waking up to the fact that you are stuck and then finding a way to get in action again. But more than that, it's also about choosing your direction and taking the action that you decide is good for you.

Life is too precious to waste going over old ground.

We don't know how long we have, or how we'll be plucked from existence and moreover: do you really know what tomorrow will bring?
OK, put away the crystal ball and join me here in the "real" world (she says ironically). You can assume that you know and you can make plans all you like. The truth is that tomorrow is an unknown. It doesn't really exist at all.

Yet we invest so much of our time thinking about it, expecting it and planning for it.

Here's a window of opportunity: since life is what you make of it,then you are free to make of it whatever you like. Think of the possibilities...

Oh, yeah, and because you can't plan it, you have no choice but to improvise it. How much time do we spend planning and rehearsing what we are going to do or say? To an extent this strategy works well, especially in situations where we want to be political and correct. But political and correct is only a role you play, it's not who you are. There is far more to you.
You have an intelligence at your disposal, one that comes to life in the moment when you let go of mental control.
What about letting yourself play? Just show up and see what happens? And act on the things that happen which you hadn't planned for.

For example, you turn up to deliver your presentation (which you have appropriately structured and planned) and your usually cheerful boss is sitting with a grim look on his face. Instead of assuming that he hates you or your presentation, improvise (with a smile):

"I am going to talk this morning about improving customer after-sales service in my division. The reason for this? Well, we've been seeing that very expression a lot just recently..."

You might surprise the boss, but what the heck - at least you are original. At worst, you'll hear why he has such a long face. I would want to know, wouldn't you?

You can't plan your best stuff. You can practice all you like (do anyway), but in the moment your intelligence will drop the words from your brain into your mouth and you'll hear yourself saying something wise and appropriate. Or doing something unexpected and amazing.

If you stop and observe yourself, you'll notice that you are already a star at improvisation. We all are, because we simply can't plan everything!

The benefit of choosing to show up and act (improvise) is that life becomes richer, events more interesting, we experience new ground, we have more fun and make true connection with ourselves - and with others.

Enjoy your moments - live in real time.

Still wondering what the quote was?

"Only dead fish go with the flow."*

* "Improv Wisdom" by Patricia Ryan Madson

The A-Z of Positivity. Risky Business.

2010-02-02T01:38:00.000-08:00

This morning I managed to spin my little Mini on an icy road - a whole 360 degrees! Wheee-haaaa!!
It was quite a feat actually as I was travelling at a snail's pace when I started to spin. And then it all got rather fast and I missed hitting two other cars by a hair's breadth. The experience has led me to assume two things: 1) I ought to be more careful when driving on ice and (2) the car seems to have an angel working overtime to protect it.

The second assumption would be, of course, balderdash. As is assumption number 1, actually.

I mean, how careful do I have to be? I was already driving like a granny (the 1970's variety - you know the type: with head scarf and coke-bottle glasses, seat pushed as far forward as possible and gripping the steering wheel for dear life - with BOTH hands *). I certainly wasn't taking any chances, no Schumacher chicanes this morning. I like my car and I am particularly happy that it possesses no dents or scratches. Yet.
Perhaps I should have got out and pushed it home...

Risk is inherent in everything that we do.

Sometimes we do stupid things and then we get the feedback that the thing that we did was stupid. Some of us choose to focus on the stupid bit and personalise it. If you want to prove yourself NOT stupid, you'd do well to look at the event again, and see what the lessons were. They are there waiting for you.

And sometimes we do brave things and we get feedback that our bravery was real. When we stick our heads out, and put our backsides on the line, there is usually only one response from others and that is "get down, get back in line."

The trick is to distinguish between the two sorts of feedback because both can make you feel rather stupid, if you let it.

It's important to keep doing the brave stuff. If the shout is for you to stop, then I say " go". It means that you're on to something and that you are taking a risk. The risk that you are being different (perhaps even yourself), that you are singing out of tune, that you are alive.
But you'd also be taking a risk were you to step back in line - the risk of being grey, boring and bored.

Which do you choose?

So, lessons I learnt this morning?

1) That risk is inherent. Driving is dangerous, but then so is taking a shower (check the stats!)
2) That a mini spins very easily and that I cannot always exercise absoluteprecaution, but that I can be careful.
3) Being a small car it luckily did not hit other cars or people and do any damage, but this is not a guarantee for possible future spins.
4) That the accidental spin has little to say about my driving ability. That my reaction was fast and the recovery without incident indicates that I am a sound driver. And also that I was lucky.
5) That spinning 360 degrees is fun, and that I will definitely attend an anti-slip course with the mini to learn how to do it well.
* that dressing up and acting like a 1970's granny affects my driving ability. It was most likely the coke-bottle glasses that did it!

And stupid? Ah well, I'd be stupid to draw any other conclusions and dampen my driving pleasure. Think you not?

The A-Z of Positivity. Quit Worrying.

2010-01-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

“It takes a worried man to sing a worried song. ” Paolo Nutini.

I had a load of plans this week. Things that I would get done, deadlines to meet and jobs to strike through on my to-do list. I would create, administrate, facilitate and be hyper-powered jane-of-all trades, as usual.

But it was not to be. Sickness doesn’t make an appointment, and income tax returns are a necessary evil. Next to those two facts, there are some myths that need to be dispelled, such as: it will only take five minutes or I know the plan looks ambitious, but with hard work, concentration and determination we can do it. Yeah right.

Not meaning to sound down or anything, although I am writing this from my sick-bed. It’s more that I thought to write about quitting with worrying as it’s something that I have been doing whilst lying here, letting my body be ill and accepting that my fun-filled adventure into tight-deadline-land will have to wait for another day.

It’s hard to accept being ill. Let’s face it, it cuts into time well spent. I work for myself and so all time has to be well spent. I have no boss to pull one over on. If I steal stationery… well, I can’t… I paid for it!

Reflecting on time well spent, perhaps this is it. After all I have been zooming around like a loon, and it seems to be time to rest. It’s not always convenient to be ill, but it WAS nice to be able to get back into bed this morning, knowing that there was no other option. After a day of sleeping, a little reading and some staring at the ceiling, I have had some time out, and gained some perspective.

Instead of adding to the whirlwind which is Jane, I have had the chance to reflect on what I CAN do with the energy resources that I have. An excellent opportunity then to re-prioritise and see that I am partly keeping myself busy with “things that don’t really need to be done” .

In the whirly burly of busy-ness, it’s easy to collect tasks and I have noticed that a to-do list can grow exponentially with almost no encouragement. Looking at the list when deep in busy mode is not a good moment to make the call as to whether what you are about to do 1) has to be done and 2) if so, by you. We tend to believe it because it’s there.

How many items on your to-do list fall into this category? And did you know that 80% of problems sort themselves out?

Add those two together and you have a worry free life.

There ARE the residual tasks, however, the “Extraction of To-Do”, as I like to call it. In other words, the real deal. By giving it a more serious tone, does not mean that the real deal has to be heavy. Quite the contrary, celebrate the real deal, it’s what makes your (working) world go round. Your working raison d’etre.

Even if you don’t like all of it, by accepting that it is yours to do, is a very empowering step. I’m not all that hot on administration. I am not good at it, and in the past I ignored it until it turned into an ugly mess. I hadn’t marked it as the real deal. An ugly mess is difficult to motivate myself for and I would start to clean it up like a marked man walking to the gallows.

But that is no fun, so these days I try to do a little and often. A little bit of what you don’t like is easy to digest. Just like eating spinach covered in lashings of mashed potato (those who don’t like spinach will know this strategy, and that it is equally applicable to beetroot, pumpkin etc..).

And ENJOY. If I am doing the administration then it means that I have a business to administrate and this is good news. Certainly after the financial fiasco that was 2009.

In any case, why wouldn’t you want to enjoy? Just because the world believes that things can get them down, does it mean that you have to?

So, stop your worrying, whatever happens. Get into a more useful mode: accept it, enjoy it and enthuse. Like this: I am ill. I am loving having the chance to rest. I get a kick out of getting a grip on the real deal.

Speaking of which, I really do have a tax return waiting for me…YIPPEE!

The A-Z of Positivity. Positivity!

2010-01-26T03:47:00.000-08:00

I've been looking forward to writing this one, because I think that Positivity is greatly underrated, misunderstood and inappropriately applied and I would like to set the record straight.

With a company name such as PositvityNow, some people often make the assumption that we do nothing BUT smile and emit positive energy. Always and everywhere.

These people are often perplexed to discover that we have to deal with problems too: that we too have mountains to fight, battles to climb and that we also have moments when it sucks!

"What about PositivityNow?" is their question, with a faint trace of a sneer on their faces, enjoying the thought that they have identified the chink in our armour. Gleeful at the prospect of exposing the flaw in Positivity so that they can shoot it down in flames and justify their own choices.

Since I don't look for weakness in others, and I feel uncomfortable when someone else does it to me, I have only one answer to this question: but it's not appropriate to write here.

You see, I have no armour. I am wrapped in skin, just like you. Red blood pumps through my veins, just like you, unless you are a Doctor Who extra. I have two legs, two arms, and all the attributes associated with a human being and being so, it means that I have to face the human condition. Just like you.

Only I have come up with some pointers to steer myself through the ever-changing road conditions, to make it the ride of my life. Which means that in addition to the smooth joy rides and open highway, there are also times when I run out of fuel, hit a pothole or two or need a service (but that's personal!) This is where Positivity get misunderstood.

By pretending that all is OK is not enough. Thinking yourself out of your dip, is a first step, but there is more that needs to be done to guarantee success.

Positive thinking is a nice to have, but it's not a means in itself.

What pointers then?

1) Responsibility. By realising that your life, your career, your relationship is YOURS is an excellent starting point. Take ownership of your condition and make yourself accountable for your results. Acceptance is the key. At the moment when you choose to stand IN yourself, you connect to your energy to drive forwards. It's a bit like the difference between sitting in the car, pressing the accelerator with your right foot, watching the landscape coming towards you through your windscreen OR standing behind the car and having to push it (with the hand brake on)!

2) Flexibility. If you are trying without success then perhaps you need to try something else. Don't give up - just take another approach. Persist and adjust. Maybe battles don't have to be fought, perhaps you can walk around them. Maybe the mountain isn't really all that high and you can just press it flat with your thumb. If the audience isn't laughing, tell another joke.

3) Positivism. Never leave the scene of a decision without taking positive action. Instead of dreaming your situation better, do something. A tip here is that almost anything is better than doing nothing...
I stretch this point to setting myself the goal of being polite and friendly with the people I meet. Despite what they do or say, I have my standards and, although I will speak up for myself if necessary, I maintain my state of positivism. It's my face that I will see in the mirror tomorrow, can I look at it?
There's more to this one. You know how I feel about people who look for weakness; I make it my mission to look for strength in others. What braces them, supports them and what makes them who they are? And I tell them what I see, honestly and without embarrassment. I have never yet received a negative reaction, although I have surprised quite a few people in this way.
Just imagine how much calmer the world would be, and how much less stressed our condition, if more of us looked for strength. As a good friend told me recently: "The secret is in being kind."

4) Sustainability. With the three points already mentioned, we are well on our way to making a sustainable impression on our world. We take responsibility for our part, we adjust ourselves to maximise our assets and we enable others to maximise their assets too. People remember us, and for positive reasons.
Next to that, we are green and that's because we also care for the planet and for our environment. In little ways we do what we can to save, reduce waste and halt the pollution of our living space.

The funny thing is that by applying these pointers, I have noticed that it takes less time and far less effort to get back on track.
The moments when it sucks are shorter and so we really can spend more time smiling and emitting positive energy!

The A-Z of Positivity. Observe.

2010-01-25T01:43:00.001-08:00

Ever found yourself feeling stressed, wound up or under pressure? Of course you have, dear, you’re human.

I use the expression “found yourself” as though you were lost. In some respects I do believe that we lose ourselves: in our stress, in our wound up-edness and under all the pressure. None of us really truly likes to feel this way and so we try so hard to relax, unwind and relieve the pressure. We tend to do this by trying to understand why we feel like we do in the first place. In other words: who or what’s to blame?

There has to be a cause and there has to be blame. The lengths we go to to find the cause of our problems is astounding. I have known people to spend years in therapy, have their brains fried and then drag themselves around, stooped over and doped up to the hilt. What a life! When I look at them I can see where the problem is.

We focus so much on the cause that we neglect to see the symptoms.

“A few observation and much reasoning lead to error; many observations and a little reasoning to truth.” Alexis Carrel

I have a moaning corner in my kitchen. When chopping vegetables, or whatever else requires me to stand in this particular place, I used to become insular, grumpy and helpless. It’s not the corner that’s the issue; it’s how I stand when I am busy there. Due to the design of our house, our kitchen is slightly squiff and when I stand at this counter top, I look down and to my left to be able to see what I am doing.

In my head I would start to talk to myself. Invariably, I would hear a voice telling me negative or spiteful things. As I listened to this voice I could go from bright and cheerful, to down and downright grumpy in minutes.

The quality of my cooking took a dive, I can tell you!

I embarked on an exploration into my psyche to find out why I felt so bad. Because when I left that corner, I would generally feel so tired and negative, that it would stick to me for a while. I simply could not snap out of it. I would go to my sofa, and sit and look at the floor (more down to the left or right); I would go for a walk and watch paving stones go by… looking down. Are you getting it?

Luckily I have an observant husband and he first pointed out to me that I sank into this feeling at the moment that I stood in the kitchen, in the aforementioned corner. I observed myself as I stood there and then the obvious became clear.

By looking down and to my left with my eyes, the internal chatter part of my brain becomes activated and what happens? I start talking to myself and the record gets stuck, so to speak.

That the voice says crappy things could be a reason to visit a shrink, but I can’t really see the point. It’s enough to know that “I can snap out of it” simply by stepping out of the corner and looking up and around me, and by moving my shoulders and hips out of their “moaning position”. It is merely the body affecting the mind. If the mind can affect the body, then it is only fair that the body can have some fun too, wouldn’t you say?

And, as for the voices: I listen, smile and ask “Is that true?” Which is generally followed by a pleasing silence. Bliss!

“An observation a day keeps the lobotomist at bay.” Jane

The A-Z of Positivity.No mistakes.

2010-01-22T02:01:00.000-08:00

"There's no harm in being wrong, y' know.
In fact to me it's common ground."
Paolo Nutini ("High hopes" )

How easy is it for you to admit that you did something wrong, or made a mistake? Can you climb off your high horse and stand with both feet on the ground and admit your humanity?

We seem so busy with proving ourselves right, aiming for 10/10, wanting to be top of the class. It's so exhausting...

How about if we all celebrated our stupidity. International " Dum-Dum day" or something. I can see it already: masses of us congregating, dressed how we are, not how we want others to see us. There might be some shocks, but what the hell: it's one day to be yourself.
We'll all get together and share some of our howling mistakes with one another and then... laugh about them. Make a comedy of it, act it out, make it bigger and louder and funnier until the brain can't do anything more with it. The memory shoots out of its mooring place, spins itself into a frenzy and plops back down again with a funny sort of squelching sound. Never to haunt us again.

Recently I was asked to open an event. It was a serious one attended by medical specialists from all over Europe. I was to present a piece about Positivity and get people " in the mood" for the day. I was given 45 minutes to have some fun. My instinct screamed at me that the organisation would shorten my time, but they insisted, til the last millisecond before I was to start that I had 45 minutes. So I prepared myself for 45 minutes. But in the last millisecond, as I took the microphone from the hand of the presenter before me, the organisation whispered into my ear "Jane, you have 15 minutes...!"

Melt down... yikes! My brain went into tailspin: where do I start? What's the key message? How do I do this?

As I stood there, looking at the audience, my hand started to shake, and the microphone with it. I spoke and listened to what I said. It seemed to make some sense and my voice sounded calm so I took some courage from those facts and took a deep breathe. And started to talk about Positivity and what it meant to the medical profession.
In the effort of trying to condense a 45 presentation into a 15 minute punch, well, unfortunately, some words came out slightly differently than I had prepared.

For example, I wanted to highlight an aspect of the medical professional's work, which is to identify problems, deviations and illness in their patients. The danger in this is the impact on the communication style of someprofessionals, where they extend the identification of problem and deviation to the entire person sitting in front of them. You know it, the old "bedside manner." My aim (within 45 minutes) was to subtly highlight this thinking preference and offer the remedy, so to speak.
What I actually said was: " Your profession is committed to finding problems and deviations and you communicate in this way to your patients. You come across as rude, indifferent and lofty."

And there it was, hanging in the air between me and my audience. A whopping great big mistake.

I blushed deeply, and then deftly took a step to one side, pointed to where I had been standing and asked: "did she really just say that? God, how rude!" and I laughed and the audience laughed with me... no mistake.

Wipe sweat from forehead and move on...

You know the advice which others liberally dosh out: " you'll laugh about it one day" ? Well, why wait? I mean, cut out the middleman and laugh now!

The A-Z of Positivity. Mandela, Music and Motivation.

2010-01-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

“It is music and dancing that makes me at ease with the world. And at peace with myself.” Nelson Mandela.

It’s probably because we’re African, Mandela and me, but music is important to us down south. I suspect that every African is fitted with a built-in drum which keeps the rhythm of the day and strikes out the age-old heartbeat of mother earth.

There are many African songs which were created to inspire motivation in the singers. Worker’s songs. The railroad workers in America did the same thing, probably because they were African too (Chaingangs). These songs maintain a constant work beat and at the same time enjoy a layover of other arhythmical strains which create interest. The odd crescendo creates a high – a rise in adrenalin – the kick!

Ever been down and lacking the drive to get started? I have. Alot. When a task is too hard, too boring, too uninteresting in it’s result, or is for someone who I don’t particularly want to please… the reasons are endless.
We all have moments when it’s hard to light the fire under our own backsides and get going. We have the luxury of lacking motivation, which is what our chaingang ancestors didn’t have. Lucky them. Nothing is harder than pulling yourself out of treacle and forcing yourself into motion.

That we can get going when we have a good enough reason or motivation is well explored and documented. We could analyse our metaphors for getting ourselves motivated and apply new strategies to get motivated more quickly and on demand. Yes, we could. We could undertake psychological testing to determine what our motivation factors are and understand ourselves better. Yes, we could. This world offers countless methods to get the fire lit.

But I don’t think that we have to do all that.
I come back to our chain gangs. They had no other choice than to work, so they did, hard and long. They had no choice but to get on with it in often dreadful conditions. And what did they do? Strike and complain? Throw down their tools and demand better conditions and longer coffee breaks?
Uh-uh, they started singing, together and rhythmically. They started to move themselves, to create dance which parallelled their work. Spading soil can still be seen in African dance today. In South Africa, amongst mine workers, it became common place to make music with their gumboots (rubber boots to the Northern Hemisphere). They didn’t anaylse, they got movin’!

Imagine this. You’re sitting at your desk, bored and not knowing how to get started on the job infront of you.
You realise that you are choosing to be demotivated (an important first step). You decide to take matters into your own hands – to save having to make up a good excuse for your boss later.
So, you start tapping rhythmically at your keyboard (play that letter again, Sam), a mouseclick or two as percussion, then a pencil against your coffee mug, your foot keeping the beat on the carpet, and before you know it, you have a whole rhythym going on.
You start moving with the beat and the intensity increases (that generally happens when you add movement to sound).
Then the inevitable happens: a smile spreads across your face and your heart beats faster, pumping blood and oxygen around and before you know it: boom, it’s motivation time!

If you work in an open plan office it is best to warn your colleagues before you get started! Alternatively, music can also be played in the toilet, at the coffee machine, the shredder, anywhere. Even in your head (without headphones too).

I dare you to try out your own Motivation Jam!

For some rhythm suggestions, go to my Youtube channel and listen to my favourites!http://www.youtube.com/my_favorites

The A-Z of Positivity. Live. Laugh. Love.

2010-01-20T03:23:00.000-08:00

Live.

Remember these guys?

Live is Life (Opus)
When we all give the power
We all give the best
Every minute of an hour
Don't think about the rest
And you all get the power
You all get the best
When everyone gets everything
And every song everybody sings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-u3oNk49W0

By the way, Life is Live.

Laugh.

"People who laugh often, make better decisions" or "people who laugh, often make better decisions." Either way works for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SavsJYXWgm8

Love.

Just for one day try this:

find one good thing in everybody you meet, see or speak to. It is sometimes hard to find, but it's there!
phone your Gran and tell her that you're thinking of her. If you haven't got a Gran, then Mothers are usually quite happy with this kind of call. If she isn't happy, then YOU be happy anyway.
if you have kids, spend 10 minutes tonight just being with them. Leave the phone, laptop, thoughts of work, money or relationship behind and just be with them and do whatever they want. Warning. This one is addictive!
if you work with others, make 5 minutes for your most irritating colleague. Try out point number 1 on him or her (in your head, dummy!) and watch what happens.
if you screw up or do something for which you would usually castigate yourself, don't. Instead just tell yourself that if there had been another plan, something else would have happened. You did what you were supposed to do. Of course, we can always improve, so take out the bit which tells you how to get a better result next time and leave the self annihilation bit out.

"Enjoy yourself, it's later you think, enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink. The years go by, more quickly than you wink, so enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think." The Specials.

Go to it, Ladies and Gentlemen! :-)

The A-Z of Positivity. Keep it Simple.

2010-01-19T01:25:00.001-08:00

Occam's razor (or Ockham's razor[1]), entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem, is the principle that "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity" and the conclusion thereof, that the simplest explanation or strategy tends to be the best one.

In short, Keep it Simple.

Last week I was guest at an event in Amsterdam. Even though the theme was spirituality and the programme was filled with some rather swishy-swishy wand waving stuff, I thought that I would go along and listen to what people are saying. It was free, for goodness sake and, well, I am as good as Dutch these days...!

I was struck by the ether pollution caused by the high bullshit content of the event and the thickness of so-called Ego hanging like a veil over the evening. Speakers were mostly self important. To be honest some did have more than the perfunctory ten minutes experience in their field. I was tickled by the show and amazed by the gall of these people. I came to the conclusion that I have been way too reserved because apparently you can earn big time browny points in this world with a paper thin message, lots of smoke and mirrors and plenty of marketing. Oh sorry, I repeat myself!

I don't wish to knock these good people, after all, they are just doing their thing. It's just that I am such a big fan of being real.

One speaker caught my attention for her energy and sparkle. She was "out there", speaking her mind and letting whatever was in her mind just fall out of her mouth. I like that, it's so uncomplicated and so un-fake. I asked her what she thinks about herself to be able to do that, to which she replied: "I don't give a shit!"

Well, that's simple, isn't it?

I have met and worked with so many people who wind themselves up into balls of nerves and who pack themselves away because they are thinking something quite different to "I don't give a shit."
The funny thing is that their thought chains make unlikely shifts and turns deep into the unconscious. The even funnier part is the degree of pride that these people sometimes possess for their complication: as if it's a prize. "Wow, you are one complicated mother fucker" is a compliment to these types.
The funniest part is that, for all their effort, they have devised a strategy which will lead them only to a half baked result. How silly!

Call me boring but I am allergic to the fake and can sniff out a cover in no time. It makes life very simple as I have only one rule of thumb: to be able to look myself in the mirror. Oh, I do wild things and strut my stuff during our PositivityShots. I say outrageous things, make the audience feel uncomfortable and take them for a trip into unchartered territories because I, too, don't give a shit. If something needs to be said by me, then who am I to stop it?
By not sensoring myself, I am being real. If I say something "wrong", I laugh, and the world laughs with me.

I have a Mexican client who told me that in Mexico I would be called the "Fart". The "Fart" is someone who stops a conversation dead in it's tracks, by saying something which has the same effect as farting loudly in public. My family readily agree with this synopsis, but for quite different reasons.
I spent years trying not to "Fart in public" and then came to the realisation that it's part of the Jane package and now I make my living by killing silly and complicated thought processes by farting loudly. What fun!

What's my strategy? Keep it simple.

The A-Z of Positivity. Joy. Available now!

2010-01-18T02:48:00.000-08:00

“When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” Byron Katie (A thousand names for joy)

It took me 40 years to get this and now and then I still find myself branding things good and bad. If you think about it, there is no good or bad intrinsic in things or events, just our thinking makes them so. Hence “one man’s meat is another man’s poison” in a sense.

At the moment when I brand something bad, I notice how my vision changes and becomes tunnelled and the picture becomes dimmer, and I realise that I am literally seeing in black and white. I become aware of how my mood shifts a gear downwards, and how my facial muscles tighten and my brow lowers, my eyes narrowing. At the same time, my heart rate speeds up and my breathing increases and my speech reflects my inner turmoil by being fast, hard and sharp. I also notice what the effect is on the people around me. They take a step backwards, or look worried or just shut up. At least, they lose their shine.

Wow! If that’s what “Bad” can do, what effect does “good” have?

Strangely, about the same.

You might have thought that “Good” would bring about a directly opposite effect, but think about it for a minute. Whether I choose to make something good or bad, either way I am judging the experience and I make a division. In division there is no unity and there is only something that was ONCE whole, lying broken at my feet. Just as if I had smashed a plate. The experience becomes shattered and I extract merely a shard, instead of embracing the whole.

Actually, the experience is still whole, only my perception makes it divided. And this is the cool thing: if we can recognise when we are dividing experiences up into Good or Bad, fun or boring, or whatever categories we choose, we can also reverse the process. The clue is in the word “choose”.

It’s all a choice, for better or for worse.

Without wishing to get all spiritual and lose some of you to the perception that I am a wishy-washy tree hugging type, I’d like to show you the benefit of stopping the division.

Let’s take an example: learning. We’ve all done it, and some of us are still doing it. The learning cycle starts of with not knowing what you don’t know (unconscious incompetence). In this state we are quite literally blissfully unaware. No problem until we start the process of acquiring a new skill or knowledge and then we discover what we don’t know (conscious incompetence). In my years as a teacher and trainer I have seen hundreds of people moving into this stage and feeling overwhelmed, daunted by the task ahead of them (to learn) and stupid, because they did not know and, worse still, were unaware of the fact that they did not know. What starts as an adventure, something “good” to do, to many people suddenly becomes ”bad” territory, because it feels difficult, or because practise is the only way to make perfect. And there’s the problem: we want to go straight to perfect. Zero to hero. As soon as possible and we want to know how we can shortcut the learning process to expedite the result.

My question is simple: why? We glorify knowing and competency and despise ignorance.

I can ice skate quite well, having been through the falling over, the bruised knees, the sore wrists and the frustration of wanting to be able to dance the swan lake on ice, whilst barely being able to stand up… Now that I can skate, although admittedly I cannot dance the swan lake, I amuse myself by going to the rink, strapping on my skates and going round and round the ice. I can improve both my skill and speed of course, but the gross process of learning to skate is behind me. Since I am no longer focussed on dancing on ice, I makes rounds, turns and some figures and enjoy my ability. But what stopped me enjoying my inability? Most probably the need to make good, to prove my ability. Forward focussed and disliking the reality in the drive to change it into something else, something better. Does this sound familiar?

My six-year-old is learning to skate. She’s in the falling over, the bruised knees, the sore wrists phase. But what she isn’t doing is getting her knickers in a knot because she wants to be a figure skater. Each time she falls, she giggles and laughs, gets up and tries again. Yesterday she succeeded in skating solo and she giggled and laughed some more. She experiences pure joy in whatever happens, without agenda. There’s a lesson for us perfectionists in this.

Skating good, falling bad. Knowing good, ignorance bad. It’s what you make of it!

Me? I am becoming more indifferent. Good or bad? It is all what it is. What I know is that wanting to be somewhere or someone else divides me and robs me of my joy.

The journey to perfect is what we are all undertaking. If we were there then, well, we wouldn’t be here.

Celebrate what you don’t know, enjoy the process of finding out what you want to learn and be where you are.

Because JOY is available NOW.

The A-Z of Positivity. Imagination+Improvisation=FUN!

2010-01-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

This time, because it is my birthday today, and birthdays are about FUN, a story written by my 8 year old daughter, Sietske.

The Secret of the Speaking Snowman.
It was a normal morning.
Polly woke up and called Todd, Shani, Rick, Lea, Lila and Crissy.
They all came to Polly and they went to make a snowman.
And Rick put a hat on the head of the snowman.
And Lea tied a scarf around the neck of the snowman.
And Lila put the nose on the snowman.
Then they went to drink hot chocolate and to make up a name for their snowman.
And that name was Mr Puffles.
Then they went to look at the snowman.
But the snowman was gone!!!
They looked everywhere but, alas, he had completely disappeared.
Then Lila found him in the neighbour's shed.
He said: "Hahahaha, do you know why I am here??
I am here to build a weapon to finish you all off."
And Lila said: "Kids, come here, he's here!!!!"
"And you have to help with guarding him.
Polly, throw candles at the snowman so that he will melt."
And he did.
And then they stamped him flat into the ground.
And they all lived happily ever after.

Just going to prove that if you use your imagination and allow yourself to go with the moment, some very unexpected things can happen!

Poor Mr Puffles...

: Mr Puffles gets his come-uppance (alternative ending)!

The A-Z of Positivity. Honesty. Because you're worth it!

2010-01-14T03:24:00.000-08:00

“Telling the truth faster enables us to live power- fully as ourselves.” Sark.

I used to be one of those annoying people who would say “I know..” to everything. Especially when I didn’t know. I couldn’t stand it that someone might think me stupid or ignorant and so I used to place myself under enormous pressure to learn new quickly things as quickly as possible so that I wouldn’t have to admit my lack.

I used to be one of those people who talked too much, laughed too loudly and who felt that she needed to be more than she was to be of any good in a conversation. I was past master at window dressing and I could bullshit my way so skillfully that I would succeed in giving others the impression that I truly was something. Or so I thought.

I used to be one of those people who had a headache pretty much all the time. I kept Advil and Aspirin in my handbag because they were part of my daily diet.
“Two aspirins a day keeps the judgement of others at bay.”

My god, did I ever get tired!
Drained and ever more uncertain of myself, I would replay interactions to myself (and to my poor long-suffering husband) to analyse and decide whether I had said the right thing, the clever thing, and if I had managed to put up a thick enough smoke screen.

And through it all I continued to swallow the pain killers, because by now my stomach ached and hurt constantly. I went to the homeopath who came up with a nice sounding diagnosis and so began years of colon cleansing and anti-yeast diets. My doctor told me that I was stressed, but I didn’t really like the sound of that, so I ignored him and moved to the next specialist.
Each newcomer had something to add to the picture, but in retrospect the doctor, as mundane as it is to admit, was right.

Ignoring yourself is stressful, and it hurts. In the worst case, it kills.

Then, came the day when I couldn’t keep the scam up. Maybe it’s an age thing: you get to be yourself the older you get. Yet I don’t take that for a guarantee. I know plenty of older people who suffer from insecurity and lack self-confidence. Similarly, I have met hordes of young people who already know who they are and are self-assured.

In any case I no longer seek reasons, only ways to accept because in acceptance resides the power to really change.

An example. On my wedding day I weighed in at a hefty 96kg. Not bad for a small elephant but not good for a bride, at least not for a bride who would rather be 69kg! For years I tried diets and exercise and nothing worked. I might lose a kilo only to regain it the next week. I hated myself, swallowed more aspirin and sweated more in the gym while my head throbbed with the pain that comes from not having eaten enough. I didn’t eat a lot, and I moved a lot, and so I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t look like Twiggy.

The day I accepted the reality was the day that the transformation started, without me even willing it that way. I looked in the mirror, really looked and saw a round face staring back at me and I asked myself to find one good thing about it. I saw my eyes staring back at me and realised that they are bright, blue and intelligent. A good start. And so I went on, taking an honest view of the whole caboodle. After a while, I became aware of a new feeling: that I am worth it. Just like in the LÓreal ads, only real, and without the excessive hair swishing.

Holding onto that feeling was how I shed 25kg in three months, by eating well and taking rest.
Making contact with that feeling is how I turned the nervous verbal diarrhoea into a relaxed, yet energetic exchange. And I learnt to listen.
Being that feeling was what helped me to say “I don’t know” and to accept that I don’t have to always know everything.
I call the feeling ME.

Is it happy ever after? Well, to be honest, it takes effort. I still have moments of doubt, moments where I observe myself pulling my shoulders up to my ears and closing like an oyster. I still have moments where I hear myself standing on my soap box preaching to others as if I have the answers to all the mysteries of life.
Instead of hating myself for it, or scalding myself, I take an honest approach. I laugh gently, and stand with myself. What am I trying to prove? In what way do I think that I am not enough so that I need to compete? When I have my answer I can decide whether the game is worth playing, and mostly the answer is that it isn’t.

So then I just get on with being me.

Solipsism is the philosophical idea that one's own mind is all that exists.

To access this “ME” feeling, you might consider Andrew T. Austin’s Integrated Eye Movement Technique.
See http://www.integraleyemovementtherapy.com for more information.

The A-Z of Positivity. Gumption.

2010-01-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

gump·tion
n. informal

1. Boldness of enterprise; initiative.
2. Guts; spunk.
3. Common sense.

Use it!

Do I need to say anything more?

The A-Z of Positivity. Freedom = Flexibility+Feedback.

2010-01-12T07:14:00.000-08:00

"Freedom is everything and love is all the rest." Richard Bandler.

OK, the guy has a long thin grey pony tail, looks a little rancid and swears a lot, but apart from that I think that he's a sound thinking individual. Bandler is one of the founding fathers of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) which offers some fairly cool tools to sort your head out.

Freedom is what we all want, isn't it? Freedom in thought, word and deed.

The funny thing is that we already have it, but yet so many of us choose not to exercise it. Odd.

I think we don't use it because we don't know that we already have it, or maybe we just don't consider the benefits of using it. It's easy to drift. You don't get anywhere but you can constantly complain that you aren't where you want to be.
Perhaps we don't know where the keys are to start the engine. Whatever the reason, the motor doesn't turn and the drive of our life stays parked and under wraps. It's best that way. After all, what might the neighbors think?

Funny that. A choice HAS been made, and hence freedom has been exercised. Far be it for me to judge, I just know that I made the decision to consciously climb behind the steering wheel of my ride and I have "put foot" (as we say down south). It's exhilarating, especially on the tight bends, and it feels so gooooood....

Scary? Yes, sometimes. But no more scary than the feeling of being stuck in the old and the tired.

So, come on, choose your ride. Climb in, grab the steering wheel and head out to Freedomville.

The keys?

Tune into Radio Feedback: on short, medium and long wave, as well as through your digital transmitter (more than ever these days - think of social media). Feedback is also the peeps and squeaks from your kids, the hoot of the angry motorist who thinks that you haven't noticed him, the enthusiastic reaction of others to your work. It's everywhere.
It's great stuff: the breakfast of champions, and it's free!

Get Flexible. Keep your eyes and ears open. Keep doing what works and adapt what doesn't so that it does. Got that?

If you wouldn't drive a luxury sports car along a potholed dirt track, why then your career, or worse still, your life?

Here's my ride:

The A-Z of Positivity. Determination

2010-01-07T02:18:00.000-08:00

“Bees can’t fly.” It is a scientific fact that the body of a bee is too big for its’ wings to support it in flight. But bees can fly, and do fly. Moreover, they buzz rather annoyingly around us at picnics and summer dinner tables, where we are mean enough to leave little bowls of sweet liquid for the bees to fly themselves into to meet a sticky, but sweet, end.

Apparently bees have been found to possess powers of determination. By beating their wings at an extremely high speed, they are able to create enough up force and forward thrust to propel themselves through the air. Poor little bee, you can see the picture, can’t you, as it frantically flaps it’s little wings to get it’s oversized body off the ground, tongue lolling out, sweat on his brow? Imagine the energy – perhaps bees are to blame for global warming (that would be convenient!).

To me the bees are a symbol for doing the seemingly impossible. Despite what science says, they fly. Boundaries? Buzz off!

Back to the picnic. Have you ever noticed how persistent bees are? You swipe one away and it comes back again and again and again, until you either swat it with your paper or offer it a refreshing dip in your bee pool of death. Bee, let’s call him Sigmund, has only one thing in mind: to get his feelers onto the sweet temptation before him, to collect it up and to take it as quickly as possible back to his hive. Sigmund’s survival, as well as all the other bees' survival, depends on him doing this. You can’t fault him for his focus and single minded nature. My guess is that Sigmund, eats, sleeps, and flies (in his unlikely manner) his mission.

How much pollen does Sigmund take home after a day of collecting? Perhaps a micro gram. But a little bit of pollen collected every day, adds up to a whole lot of honey in a year. If Sigmund was to reflect on the pointlessness of his piddling bit of pollen, he would likely give up and take to the bee beer instead. Maybe there are alcoholic bees, but I don’t think so. I suspect that bees don’t entertain the thought of pointlessness. Positive action always leads to accomplishment.

Bees are workers and they make honey, one of the sweetest substances on earth. Why do they do this? What’s in it for them? You never hear of a bee party where they knock back little tankards of honey beer. But then again perhaps they do, it’s just that I have never been invited to a bee party. I never get invited to any parties, but that’s another story. Apparently, bees make honey as food for the winter months. Which means that they store the stash to enjoy it later. Bees are not just about working hard then, apparently they DO take the time to enjoy the sweetness of their labour. The bee equivalent of taking off for a sunny holiday during a European winter.

Another thing that I have noticed about bees: for all their unlikely flying, hard work and determination, they seem to get about with some energy. Perhaps it’s the power of having a purpose, but I like to think that the buzzing of a bee is a happy, resourceful kind of activity and that Sigmund and his bee buddies are having some fun on the job. I mean, why not?

All things considered, we would do well to take a leaf out of the bee book. I suspect it might be quite a small leaf and therefore in the interests of your optical health, please allow me to enlarge on the point.

By taking just 10% of the determination of bees we could put ourselves on course to accomplish our mission.

What would the result be if you were to go about your day with:

Focus. What do you want to do, what is your mission, even if only for the day? Please be so kind as to consider the rest of the hive.
A dash of single mindedness. Get to it and be persistent.
Patience. The honey pot will likely not be filled in one day.
Remembering to take the time to enjoy the journey and to reflect on what you have achieved. “Every drop helps said the old lady as she pissed in the sea,” as my father so eloquently used to tell me.
A sip or two from the cup of accomplishment. Satisfaction comes from positive action.
Fun!

Bee happy! (sorry, I couldn’t resist…)

The A-Z of Positivity: Career

2010-01-07T02:13:00.000-08:00

A motivation problem? New study says satisfaction at work is at an all time low. Time for green smiley stuff...

You know all the stories like: "you spend most of your life at work, so you had better do a job that you like"? Change agents and motivational speakers have bleated this stuff for ages and what I don't understand is that so many people haven't got it yet.

A quick look at the results of a survey, admittedly undertaken in America, reveals that work satisfaction is at an all time low. The recession has probably some explaining to do especially as some are bracing themselves for the second wave, the final parting shot as the recession recedes. All possible reasons for a dip in the fun curve.

But it's more than that. I've been looking around for a while and what I have noticed is that we are on the threshold of a new order. There are more and more books and sites dedicated to ushering in a new mindset and to creating a podium for new thoughts to germinate and take seed.

What new thoughts, mindset, order?

Let's take a little backwards time trip. A few hundred years ago we all worked in the fields, unless we were rich or born to gentry in which case we didn't. In the words of Monty Python: "he is a King, how do I know, well he ain't got shit all over 'im."

And then came the Industrial Revolution and we left the fields to work in factories. Every day, we went to a bloody big building to do our work. We were paid badly and were kept poorly educated which all ensured that we would keep coming back.
We had no choice.

More recently, we have been going through the Knowledge revolution. There have been very few people in the first world who have been excluded from the right to a reasonable education and as a result, our knowledge base has increased. No longer resting in the hands of the lucky few, more of us can read, write and share our knowledge.

However, even with this increased knowledge base, we have continued to centre our work around bloody big buildings. We still migrate towards and congregate in one place to do our jobs. We might be better paid these days, we have choice but yet we keep coming back.

But now there is dissatisfaction and rumbles in the downtown concrete jungles. And I am not surprised. As one who took the leap some years ago and dove into the waters of self-reliance, I can smell the unmistakable scent of pointlessness as it begins to run through our society.

The internet has further encouraged this spread. The amazing speed at which we can transfer information and get our message out has all contributed to making our earlier methods of doing our work all but extinct. There is no longer the driving need to congregate in real-time, because masses of us are doing that virtually. And very effectively indeed. Marketing is in the hands of Joe Boggs, publishing is Everyman's art. Is nothing sacred? The truthful answer? No.
And it's not going to change, so get used to it.

The effect is that a lot of us stuck in downtown concrete bunkers are beginning to see the light. Jobs don't have to be done in a building (the job has no preference as to where it is done), or between the hours 9 to 5. To be honest, quite a lot of the ritual around working belongs, well, if not the ice age, at least in the industrial period! And then there's the job itself: who gains what precisely from what you do?

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee, and not from the Starbucks around the corner from your office!

Come on People, do it. The possibilities are endless! The internet has created boundless ways for you to come out and play. If you aren't satisfied with your job, the only thing that you need to do is ask yourself the following question: "what do I want?" and then go and do it.
The only limitation is your imagination, and even then, with very little imagination you can create something amazing in your online communities.

If you are one of those who answered the survey indicating that your work satisfaction is at an all time low, then you owe it to yourself to take the leap.

Take a ride on the fun curve!

The A-Z of Positivity. Beavers

2010-01-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

I like beavers.

I admit that they stink a bit, and they eat way too much sushi for my taste, but they do have one or two things to tell us about coöperation and team work.

Beavers work together. Really work together.
They set themselves a clearly defined goal, something that they can all get behind.
A dam for example.

In the beaver’s experience, a dam is a useful, even a critical part of beaverdom. Without dams, there would be no beavers.

With the blueprint of a dam in the minds of all the beavers on the team they set about realising said dam. They go off into the forest and gnaw down little trees and heave them back to the place of the dam. One by one, they undertake pretty strenuous exercise to accompish this vision and not one of them complains. Or at least I don’t think they do. I don’t actually speak Beaverish. Perhaps they are all moaning and groaning, but in my happy ignorance I translate their actions as being those of motivated little beavers, um, beavering away.

Beaver #1 (Bob) comes to the dam site and lays his tree down, shifts it a bit and makes sure that it’s laid to the greatest advantage. I like to think that he has sustainability in mind, he doesn’t want to be seen as the beaver responsible for building a flimsy dam. Bob stands back to admire his work, pats his paws together in satisfaction and dashes back to the forest for the next tree.

Then comes along Beaver #2 (Basil), sweating away as he drags his tree into place. He takes a look at what beaver #1 has done and he builds on it. Does he stand there and think: “Bloody Bob! Just look at what he’s done,! That tree should be 1 cm to the right! Honestly, you just can’t get the beavers these days…!” ? No way.

No way. Basil respects Bob’s work because they are all striving for the same goal and they trust one another. Basil builds on what Bob has already done.

Along comes Beaver #3 (Betty) and she gets stuck in by adding to the pile and by now you have the picture: beavers working together to achieve a commonly shared vision.

What’s the lesson?

If your team wants to reach a commonly shared vision, you’re better off being like the beavers:
1) Clearly define the goal so that everybody can see, hear and feel it.

2) Ensure that everybody is motivated to give 100% and that the quality standards are defined and acceptable to all.

3) Make sustainability one of your team goals (make the result long-lasting and build on, not replace, the work of others).

4) Give every team member responsibility and let them take it. Don’t move trees! It’s a common goal, not just yours, so be flexible.

5) Positivism. Encourage one another and take satisfaction in what you are achieving. Let your vision stimulate and ignite everybody by including the thoughts of everybody in it.

6) Eat loads of raw fish and bathe in stagnant water. This point is optional.

The A-Z of Positivity. Add Value

2010-01-05T03:20:00.000-08:00

In the last couple of months of 2009 I was involved in a training project in a very large international company. The training program, thankfully not a Positivity Now project, was part of a New Leadership Profile global roll out and was intended for employees in leadership/management positions. I won’t go into details, other than to say that the promises were big, the expectations were high and the reality was very, very, disappointing.

I came quickly to the conclusion that these trajectories are often doomed to fail before they even have the potential to get going. What could have been a useful and well received program to the appropriate audience instead became an exercise in patience. For the participants who were good enough to come along and play at being interested. And for the trainers, standing before groups of disgruntled participants, knowingly wasting their time under the motto: “we all have our job to do so don’t shoot me for doing mine.”

I know that there are `the regulars` – participants who have no interest in your training course no matter what tricks you pull out of the hat. It would be unrealistic to assume that you can please everybody. The 80:20 rule applies, hopefully with 80% gaining value from their day in a training.
In the case of this project, I think it would be safe to say that we achieved quite the reverse.
This kind of circus is precisely one of the reasons why I am sometimes nervous to call myself a trainer: we think that we have done something by throwing a training course at our people and by putting the tick in the box. We did do something, but was it adding any value? Anywhere? To anyone other than the team of training and development experts whose job is was to roll the circus out?

Apart from putting the participants under more pressure to get their jobs done in even less time, what precisely did we bring to the party?

Things to consider when deciding Value Added:

1) Who gains the most?
2) What precisely will they gain, and from their point of view, where’s the value ?
3) How can we ensure that we maximize efficiencies: achieve the most in the least amount of time?
4) What do we really need to include and what’s “guff”. If it’s guff, leave it out!
5) After all things considered, is it worth doing, or are we just putting a tick in the box? If the answer is “yes” to the last part of the question, then it is probably not worth doing.

ME & YOU

2009-11-25T04:53:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been rather interesting in House Bredius: there have lots of issues, quite a bit of tension. There was also a fair bit of quietness as brains were ticking away, rapidly thinking up strategies and so forth.

A number of thoughts have shot through my mind in the past while, such as:

"How could you have been so dumb?" "You should have seen THAT one coming..." "This is just proof perfect that you are no good at your job..." "You're never going to get anywhere..." "You should just give it up.."

"You should just give it up..."

That one made me sit up and listen. What was I saying? What part of me really believed this little gem (or any of the others too while I'm at this)? And who is this highly blameable YOU personage in any case? Because she was getting an awful lot of flak.

Without getting into why's and wherefore's because those are silly questions which deliver only silly bits of information with which I can do nothing, I decided to pull the thought to pieces instead:

1. Who, precisely, is YOU?

2. If You is ME, then who is telling YOU (ME) to give it up?

3. What is the relationship between YOU and this other being?

4. What is IT?

5. And how should I give it UP?

And that's where the fun started.

1. YOU turned out to be the young (6 year old) part of me who has no clue as to what we are doing and who is scared.

2. The other being is ME, the nearly 42 year old Jane who DOES have a clue as to what we are up to, and wishes that YOU would stop worrying so much.

3. YOU puts ME under pressure to over-perform to ensure OUR safety and to reduce the chances of US falling victim to some imaginary (but to YOU very real perception of) rejection.

4. IT? I (the ageless part of me who knows absolutely everything worth knowing) searched through the possibilities: is IT work? business? roles as business woman, coach, therapist, trainer...?? but none of those things made the light go on (yes, a light goes on in for ME when the piece falls into place).

If IT isn't any of the above, then what else could it be? What is causing my stress which I would like to move away from in an effort to gain peace?

And here's when I started to laugh...

Yep, you've probably guessed it already: IT is the stress it-self. So obvious!!

5) Give it up: how?

Easy:

Any NLP'er or Hypnotherapist worth his or her salt would recognise the nominalisation here: "stress" is not a thing, it's a process. It's a verb, not a noun. Put stress back into being a verb and hey presto! the answer is obvious.

You give up stressing, or making yourself stressed, much like you give up drinking and binge eating after the Christmas excesses.

But again, HOW?

Look at the metaphor. Give it UP. To lose the stress means to hand it over upwards.
When I ask myself what I am doing with the stress, I see myself holding onto a ball of it, clutching it to myself in the way a 6 year holds onto a much loved toy... There is a large hand coming down between the clouds (very Monty Pythonesque), and it is offering to take the stress away from me - upwards. The little me needs a little help from older me, it's too heavy for her to lift. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

So all you have to do is hand it over. Let it go. Pass it up. Give it up.

Take ownership of your metaphors and make the choice to make another choice, one that works for all of you.

And that's the moment when ALL the lights went on... the six year old got out the coloured pencils and started showing me the fun stuff that we can do.
I take the ideas and turn them into actions and I stand by and gently hold her hand and make sure that she can express her creativity without needing to pin us down under a massive ball of stress again.

I call it working together with yourselves and it's the greatest feat of teamwork I have encountered yet.

What do I hear now? The joyous sound of a child's giggle and I smile. Time for some fun in House Bredius....

Showing my teeth...

2009-10-24T00:52:00.001-07:00

I hate going out these days. People always want to know what you DO. When I say that I am a coach, a trainer, a therapist, the inevitable happens: "Oh, then you MUST have a chat with Barbara, she's a coach too." Whoopee.

And Mary, and Sarah, and Betty and and and... EVERYbody is a bloody coach! Every woman of around my age (42) seems to choose to become a Coach. Some men too, the ones who couldn't find a proper job.

You can always spot the Newbies... this is fun, so listen up.

Newbies wander up to you at social gatherings to make "chit chat" and they clutch onto you in a most definite way.
They generally start off with "I'm a Coach" and then they stand there looking so gleeful, it almost makes me want to point out that about 60% of the gathering consists of coaches.
But I don't, I just smile, while the sound of a wolf awakening starts to stir at the back of my head.

Newbie asks a few leading questions and listens intently for ways to "treat" you. The slightest whiff of a negative thought gets "reframed" and the big positive smile gets switched on to let you know just how proud they are of themselves for having "helped" you out of your depression.

I'm a patient girl, but after 5 or 6 of these helpful interruptions, I can hear the distinct growl of the wolf, as he shows his teeth in a definitely warning kind of way.

Newbie carries on "treating" you, and perhaps by now (s)he has elicited that you too are a coach too, oh and here the fun really gets going. COMPETITION time.

Where did you study? Oh, you didn't. Well I (capital letter, bold print, italics etc) studied for 15 years (or minutes more likely) to become a Coach (capital letter, bold print, italics etc.). I studied with the Hairdresser of the Brother of the Coach to the Pope. Great credentials! That must make you a really great coach.

What models do you use? Oh, none. Well I (you get the picture) use The Rose of Leary crossed with the Meta model and I can tell at any given time where someone is blocked in a generalisation. Oh and I DO like to use Johari's window from time to time because people DO have their blind spots!

Tell me about it!

I can feel the wolf salivating and licking his chops: dinner is coming...

What's your sector? Oh, you haven't specialised. Well I..... and on and on and on.

God forbid that you DO let drop what models or methods you use because they are bound to be wrong, yucky or irrelevant for some half baked reason, mostly based on the opinion of "my teacher coach says..."

Not that I care what others do or say, but I get fed up with the kind of gits who think that I come to a party to have my thought process pointed out to me. At a party I am usually more focussed on getting enough red wine in to temper the wolf. Undoubtedly this makes me mad.

On the odd ocassion that I think that Newbie before me has incited sufficient distaste from Wolf, I unleash him. He too must have his fun!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! ARRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAA!

And he sinks his teeth into the delicate Newbie flesh as I point out how boring and difficult it is to communicate with Newbie.
I come to parties for reasons other than to show off my new found skills and certainly not to be rudely reframed. I HATE reframing! It's disrespectful. Especially at parties!

Rather I prefer to engage with people on a normal one to one basis without models, methods or any other kind of interference. I like to hear what they have to tell and I enjoy getting to know them for what they are rather than what they do.

Because THAT is precisely what being a coach is all about: seeing, hearing, feeling, experiencing the other WITHOUT the bullshit.

Wolfie curls up contentedly, full belly, licks his paws and settles down for a little nap.

Til the next Newbie...

Meeting myself on the way to Eldorado

2009-08-28T04:30:00.000-07:00

Actually, it happened in Italy on the way to Casciane Therme, but that's such a mouthful. I have been away for a while, enjoying some time out: rest and recuperation for the tired soul.

Yes, even NLPérs get tired... we're people too.

This year's recession has brought some challenges in it's wake and most of us have been affected, in some way or the other. I have taken a few hits myself and, together with my husband, we have had to cross some storming rivers together, often on what seemed like a flimsy raft.

But cross them we did and we've found quiter waters. I can't say that I feel stronger as a result, not in the usual sense of the word. Instead I choose the word "completer"**. The experience has enabled me to access parts of myself which were buried under complacency or were simply never activated.

They aren't super human and I cannot perform miracles. They are simple, loving elements who bring me the capacity to experience joy, love, and focus.

I like ém. Together we're having more fun than I have ever known!

To give an indication of how much fun: I was watching my children play and was overwhelmed with joy, so much so that my eyes filled with tears and my heart felt so huge and full of love and I saw how cute my kids are for the first time. Or how about the pretty bush in Tuscany, decorated with flame red blossoms, which I saw in it's full technicolour glory and which made me feel intensely thankful for the miracles which really do surround us - in the little things. And then the outright, unhindered humour that I have rediscovered, which also gives my tummy a workout by sending me into a "belly laugh".

Sounds whacky or flakey? Maybe. But in my opinion, it's precisely THAT very feeling which guides a happy, contented life. That doesn't have to mean a life without challenge and (material) gain. Perhaps (I think definitely) if we take on challenges with a feeling of love and connection we can reach success while enjoying a fun and uplifting journey.

Why fight your way to the top of the mountain if you can float?

And there's another thing: why do we always want to be somewhere other than where we are? Or am I the only one who experienced this restlessness? I don't think so, when I consider the number of people who I have coached in the past years, all of whom were looking for something other than what they already had: another job, a promotion, themselves!! What is it with greener grass?

I was addicted to restlessness: being ambitious, impatient and sometimes downright crazy. I have always been someone to decide on a goal and to go for it, and I broke through whatever barriers stood in my way. There's nothing wrong with this approach, and it has brought me to some interesting places and has taught me a tremendous amount about myself and my barrier breaking capabilities. I could have earned a black belt for the forehead slam. :)

What it didn't teach me is that some goals are just not worth breaking through ANY barriers for, and moreover, sometimes you don't have to break through anything - why break through the obstacle when you can just walk around it?
Life for me was a series of obstacles waiting for "hurricane Jane" to eradicate. Can you imagine what kind of expectation I had about any new project? Here's a hint: that is was going to be tough going and that I was going to have to really put my back into it. Phew! What a load of hard work! Strange and spooky too that I often had pain in my right shoulder...

They say that the apple never falls far from the tree and I can remember it being said that my mother had only one approach to life: the bang your head against a brick wall approach. I must have taken this strategy on for myself and luckily it looks like I bumped my head once or twice too often and finally the penny (or the apple) has dropped. Mum got the message too and has long since changed her ways.

So, looking back on the last few months: how may storming rivers were there to cross in "reality"? Was it really such a flimsy raft? More importantly, I am looking at future projects as enlightening experiences to be enjoyed. But MOST importantly, I am experiencing each moment as complete, perfect and enough.

Where I am is where I need (and want) to be. QED.

How and where did you meet yourself?

** sorry, Mr Rice - my English teacher at high school - I know that it is "more complete": the mouthful thing again!

What are Credit Crunchies?

2009-06-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

Credit Crunchies are articles based on my own experiences or borrowed from those souls around me who have shared their trials and tribulations with me (aswell as their methods of helping themselves).

Credit Crunchies are offered here as a set of possibilities: if you are facing similar or dissimilar crises, problems, hitches, glitches, I hope that you can pick up some tips which can enable you to change your wiring about the situation and get back to a GOOD Life as quickly as possible.

Getting
On with an
Overwhelming
Drive for

LIFE!

If you have a reaction to anything written here, or you want to add something, or think that someone could do with reading the contents of one of my blog articles, then please TAKE ACTION! Let me hear from you, add your comment, forward the blog, or direct your friends to the blog... just DO!

Credit Crunchies - Undoing the Internal Work

2009-06-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

Appropro my "problems". I can blow them to hell, or I can undo them.
I offer the following as a more peaceful, gentler alternative to the previous "Credit Crunchie - Are you Misiling Something?".

1. Financial instability husband. My belief: I am angry at him because he should earn a regular salary so that we can live peacefully.
2. Gloomy outlook in my industry. My belief: that I should be able to come up with an idea which will prove that I am "corn" and not "chaff" (I should be working even if 80% of my colleagues are sitting on the benches).

Let's take a look and undo the undoable.

"We are entering the dimension where we have control - the inside."

Belief #1: husband should earn a regular salary so that we can live peacefully.
1. Is it true? Yes, he should be creating a safe environment for us.
2. Can I be sure that this is true? Well no, because there is no rule book for this and actually this is my assumption. Why should he do this even though til now he always has? Anyway, he isn't.
3. How do I react when I think this thought? I get pissed off at him. I feel panic and helplessness.
4. Who would I be without this thought? Stronger, more relaxed, enjoying. More loving towards hubby.
5. Turn it around: I should be creating a safe environment for us
or: I should earn a regular salary so that we can live peacefully.

Aha.

Belief #2: I should be able to come up with an idea which will prove that I am "corn" and not "chaff" in the current economy.
1. Is it true? Of course not. I just want to be corn and think that this will prove it. My assumption. My competition. If 80% of the industry is on the benches, why should I be working?
2. Can I be absolutely certain that it's true? No way, José.
3. How do I react when I think this thought? I get trapped in panic and judgements about my abilities as a trainer and I get into comparing myself with others, then I get down on myself.
4. Who would I be without this thought? Stronger, more relaxed, enjoying my talents and those of others without feeling threatened or in competition.
5. Turn it around: I should stop trying to sort corn from chaff/ I should stop trying to prove myself and just enjoy the talents and opportunites that I have/ I should relax/ I should come up wth new ideas because I love coming up with new ideas.

That all sounds great!

"When I argue with reality, I lose.
But only 100% of the time."
Byron Katie

Byron Katie created "The Work" which is a set of four questions and a turn around (above). My experience with this work is that it's a little hard to grasp at the start because it seems a little lacking in logic, but the more I use it and apply it, the clearer it gets and I find myself feeling much more at ease about a number of situations where I would previously have viewed it only from my own perspective. The work helps me to become aware of the assumptions that I am making aswell as the judgements that are not mine to make. You can ony ever have control over yourself. How and what others do is their business. Leave it to them.

Understanding that something is because it just is, is empowering. If I cannot argue with the wind when it blows, why then would I argue with another reality that I find less easy to accept?

Acceptance leads to real action. Start with yourself: whether you blow the thought to hell or if you turn it around.

Credit Crunchies - Are you misiling something?

2009-06-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

What do you do when: your husband loses his salary and is on financial thin ice, your own business is looking gloomy due to the economic hit in your industry, your business partner has her own problems and lacks the time and passion to invest in pulling out the stops to really make it happen, and when you get the feeling that rather a lot is stacked against you?

Maybe just a hunch, but could it be that you are hitting your head against a brick wall...

Time to give up or time to give more?

So, the credit crunch comes home. It has been waiting at the front gate, rather like the church in the Monty Python sketch - the church that makes it's way to the aberrant parishioner and gets blown up by the ground to air missile in the airing cupboard (being stored for a special birthday present from wife to husband).

Perfect: problem gets closer, launch missiles, blow it to the hereafter, ear shattering explosion, peace slowly restores, problem solved. Breathe.

Let's analyse the phases:

1. Recognition that the problem has entered the front gate. Just how close does close have to be before you spring into action? How uncomfortable does the ride have to be before you ask to get off the attraction? For me, I know it has entered the front gate when I feel that it is blocking my view: I can't see past the obstacle, bright blue sky is behind it but mostly obliterated by the hoarde infront of me.

2. So, phase two: Launch missiles (taking aim first of course, we don't want any unnecessary fallout). I want to see the blue blue sky, I want to breathe in the fresh air, I want to see out to the horizon and the future beyond, I want to hear birds singing and children laughing. What do I want instead of the problem? A powerful question.

3. Phase three: Blast the problem to kingdom come.... no thought of my making can withstand a missile of my making. If there's something in the way of blue sky, then I have put it there, even if it looks like it's being fed by something external. It's only a church because YOU are believing in it.

4. Stand back and listen (with hands over ears) as the problem twists and collapses into a pile of rubble, smouldering in ashes and sending thick smoke up into the atmosphere.

5. Watch and smile broadly as the smoke starts to clear and see the blue blue sky reveal itself, breathe in the fresh air, hear the birds start to cheep and the children start to giggle and play again. The truth is they never stopped. Perhaps we just stop listening. KEEP LISTENING.

6. "We have normality, I repeat we have normality. Anything that you still can't deal with is therefore you own problem." Eddie, the Shipboard Computer in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

So, roughly translated, if the odds are stacked against you, it's most likely time to give more. Choose what you want to look at, blow the hulking, terrifying problems to dust, concentrate on the blue sky, the fresh air and the sound of giggling and get on with it.

Whatever "it" is as long as it's not banging your head on that brick wall.

By the way: no disrespect intended to any church or religion which enables it's parishioners or followers to take self responsibility.

More Credit Crunchies: Self Realisation.

2009-05-19T12:23:00.001-07:00

It's in times of recession, or difficulty, that we learn the most about who we are, what we have to offer and what we are here to achieve. Or at least I think so.

Life Sucks.

It's hard statement, but sometimes life's a struggle and it demands every ounce of grit. We are on a ride (of your life), up and easy then down and shitty and the gear shift can happen in the blink of an eye.

I have asked myself whether the people who seem not to experience these extremes are people who have planned cleverly and hence have been spared the peaks and troughs. I have friends who seem to be able to maintain perfect balance at all times. I have often felt amazed and perplexed by this ability. I have even felt jealous at times as I watched my friends cruise life's smooth highways in a luxury sedan, whilst I seemed to be clinging to the backroads, taking the curves and the bends at breakneck speed.

But then I hit on an important fact: I have never been very good at maintaining my course. I couldn't plan to live my life as a straight line any better than I can draw one freehand. There are so many fun and interesting byways and sidetracks out there that I could not imagine wanting to restrict myself to the straight and narrow. I get my kick out of sniffing out the new and the unknown. I guess that is why I understand my dog so well...

And another thing that I have realised is that the most fun with driving is in taking the bends - shooting through the chicane and holding my breath through the tight curves whilst the car shifts it's centre of gravity. Will it flip or will it hold? It's a kick when it holds and hopefully there's a stretch of open road ahead: ride the adrenaline shot out and push the throttle to the floor, looking for the next curve, 100% alert and ready to take it on: right on.

My realisation is that I am a racey sportscar, shooting through life's backroads, stopping every now and then to refuel before accelerating on to the next destination, seeking out the bends, streaking through the landscape in a blur and loud throttle burst, just like the music which would greet your ears as you dropped the clutch of a DB7. Trust me, it's throaty and intense. Not for the faint hearted.

Life Rocks!

It's not all about knowing where to go, it's about enjoying the ride.

Take a look at your metaphors.
What are they saying about you and how can you pimp them to pump you up?

Emma swishing upon a star.

2009-05-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

I have to just smile a HUGE GREAT BIG smile at the wisdom of kids today. Most especially, MY kids.

This is a short story, but one filled with love and pride as a parent of a cute natural NLP'er, doing all sorts of wonderful mind tricks, seemingly with no help at all!

My FIVE year old daughter woke up from a bad dream last night. She was snicking abit and so my husband, Frank, went to her to offer her some solace and support. Mother was, of course, asleep and unaware, and hence missed a technicolour KODAK moment of the mind.

The conversation between Frank and Emma went a little like this (I later heard):

Frank: "What's up, Emma? Did you have a bad dream?"

Emma: "Yes, Peter Pan was being beaten up by a pirate and I was all scared...snick snick..."

Frank: "Oh, that's not very nice, what would you rather be dreaming about?" (straight to choice).

Emma: "Princesses."

Frank: "Well you can just close your eyes and dream about princesses, can't you?" (said with sympathy).

Emma: "Yeah! I can just take out the picture of pirates...(said whilst moving her hand up to her head and pulling the thought picture out) ... fooop... and .... shwooop...(pushing in a new picture) I can put in a picture of a princess!"

She swished herself into a sweet sleep with dreams of princesses and pink fluffy little forest animals, instead of being scared by her own pictures of pirates beating poor little Peter Pan to a pulp. Somehow she knows that they are HER pictures and that SHE can change them. Herself. Whenever she wants to.

WOW!

Perhaps some of us adults could learn a thing or two from five year olds: take ownership of your brain and look at pictures that you WANT to look at, hear music that makes your HEART SING and feel GOOD.

I call this one Emma Swishing upon a Star. Sweet Dreams one and All!

The swish pattern uses rapid-fire submodality shifts to associate two mental constructs so that one automatically leads to the other.

Credit Crunchies (Cheap Fun)

2009-04-15T11:53:00.001-07:00

Has anyone noticed that we are in the throes of a recession? I have.

Just like a mischievious kid, it tiptoes up on you, taps you on the shoulder and with a "boo" in your ear, it runs away laughing at the surprised look on your face. Well, that's how it felt for me.

Odd that I should tell this little story as if were happening to YOU, when of course I mean 'I'. Nothing like a little dose of dissociation to keep reality in check, huh?

Here's a free fun tip (with a bit of seriousness sandwiched in between for good measure):

Have YOU noticed how many people do this: talk about themselves as if they are talking about someone else? I used to find it quite irritating, but now I find it a constant source of a) interest and b) amusement. YOU see, people often don't know how much they talk about themselves from different angles during one small conversation: they switch from "I" to "You" to "Me" to "Myself" and each time they are actually talking about a separate part of the whole them. Each part governing a seperate realm of reality, each being able to take decisions for the whole, or not. Each part having it's own needs and maintaining it's own environment, for better or worse for the whole. Until death do us part.

It's a pity that we can't divorce from some parts... the ones which panic and cause stress, or fire off old patterns of behaviour which WE (the whole) know is not going to help any of US. But, we are stuck with each other... or ARE we?

Apparently not. Actually definitely not.

I recently attended a wonderful training in Newcastle, UK. It was called Integral Eye Movement Therapy and I am now an Advanced Practitioner. Sounds posh huh? It is. Because it deals with (amongst others) exactly these aspects of identity which other practices leave half touched.

Identity parts are created by need: YOU needed to get something to survive and so a part was born to help you get it. An example: you were born into a family of six children and you were the fifth child. Mum and Dad were busy with the running of the home and splitting themselves between 6 children. Maybe you learnt to be "good" so that Mum would praise you for being so easy. The praise brought you much desired attention, something in scare supply in your home as a child. Attention may have meant the world to you then: recognition that you existed, a sense of belonging... *

The chances are that the "easy" part of you is still in you as an adult, but it is probably still a child and still firing off "being easy" tactics to win the praise of others. Maybe you've noticed that you're a pushover at work, or that people take advantage of your good nature, and maybe you're getting a little sick of being taken for a ride (easyrider). Perhaps you can see what you are doing, but you don't know where it comes from: or which of your parts is the 'guilty party". Getting clarity on the "I", "You", "Me", "Myself" distinction is a first step in identifying which part needs some help growing up. Ever been told to "Grow up"? It's a very literal instruction which has found it's way into our language and lost it's meaning along the way (but perhaps not it's ability to sting).

But let's not talk about "Guilty parties". Afterall, these parts were all created by YOU, to win YOU something and they are just doing their job with the information that they have. Can you imagine telling a 5 year old to solve an emotional problem in the same way that a 40 year old can? If you were in your right mind, you wouldn't ask it or expect a good result from the attempt.
Yet when my clients refer to parts of themselves which don't seem to work well, who I know are probably little more than little children, they very often shout, or want to "cut it out" of themselves (me being literal again: "Cut it out, will ya!").
What would you do if you were 5 years old and an adult was treating you like that? Would you feel safe enough to take a step with yourself? I know I wouldn't.

So, how about saying "thanks for doing your best" and offering a helping hand to the part?

This tactic usually works very well, and with the IEMT process^, very very quickly. And parts can grow up and take their place in serving you appropriately in their new found role and there's no need to fight with yourself anymore (no need for a messy divorce or alimony).
Until the next one pops up.... ("you're so wrapped up in layers, Onion Boy!" Donkey to Shrek)

Next time you listen to someone talking about themselves, listen out for how many identities they address. It's fun. Furthermore, it's free fun. Help yourself and, at the same time, improve your listening skills... Two for the price(less) of one. What a deal in these days in the shadow of the credit crunch...!!

And the mischievious little recession kid? Yes, well, we are going to have a friendly little chat right now....

* Of course, you could just have easily have chosen to be very naughty to win negative attention. I see LOADS of kids these days doing just that, in an era where both parents either work, or are too busy with themselves to bother with anything remotely to do with "child raising". I wonder why ADHD is becoming more of an epidemic in our society? But that is another matter...
^The Core Transformation Process is incorporated into this aspect of IEMT work. I will write more about this elegant work created by Connirae and Tamara Andreas in future blogs.
To read more about Integral Eye Movement Therapy: www.integraleyemovementtherapy.com

Waar gaat het om?

2009-04-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

Er zijn werkelijk net zo veel toepassingen voor NLP als er mogelijkheden zijn. Als dat waar is, dan is het niet verassend dat wat je effectiviteit oplevert op het werk gebied, ook een effect kan hebben (positieve) thuis of in het privé.

Voor mij is NLP, in vele opzichten, niets meer dan effectief communiceren. Om te weten dat er "positief intentie is achter elk gedrag" (NLP vooronderstelling #8), of dat "het kaart niet gebied is" (NLP vooronderstelling #5) brengt een rust en begrip mee dat maakt dat communicatie uit het kader gaat van moeizaam en stroperig, naar een interessant en soms spannend avontuur: waar ging het mis tussen ons? Wat begrijpen wij gewoonweg anders van elkaar zonder het te beseffen?

Met andere woorden: waar liggen de kansen om elkaar beter te leren kennen én beter overweg met elkaar te kunnen?

Ik kom veel mensen tegen in mijn werk, en vaak hoor ik dat er conflict is ontstaan: tussen manager en teamlid, tussen teamleden, tussen zaken partners, tussen man en vrouw, noem er wat op.

Mijn eerste vraag is altijd: "waar gaat het om?" en mensen gaan mij vertellen (vaak in veel details) over waar "het om gaat" (wat toevallig niets te maken heeft met wat zij zelf hebben gezegd of gedaan).
En dan weet ik het antwoord al: als iemand zo'n ongespecificeerde vraag beantwoord zonder te beseffen dat ze zelf hebben ingevuld wat "het" mag zijn, dan is de kans ook groot dat ze een aantal dingen ongespecificeerd laten hangen tussen zichzelf en hun gesprekspartner. Ze zijn aan het hallucineren en dus verantwoordelijkheid ontbreekt.*
Waar gaat het om? Het = je confict, de wereld, het leven, de universum, ons gesprek, de coaching, dit gezeik...enz. Wat had jij in je hoofd?

Kennelijk heeft niet iedereen dezelfde les op school gehad: "careless words cost lives."

Wij gaan soms heel flegmatiek met onze woorden om en wij zijn verbaasd en geschrokken als iemand ONS niet begrijpt.

NLP vooronderstelling # 2: De betekenis van communicatie ligt in de reactie die je krijgt. Als je een klap krijgt, of een escalatie, komt dat omdat jij iets hebt gecommuniceerd wat niet goed overkwam. Makkelijker kunnen wij het niet maken, ook niet leuker.
Neem nu verantwoordelijkheid voor jezelf en jouw woorden en los 'het' op.

Hier volgt een strategie om beter begrijpen te worden (en tevens beter te begrijpen):

Stap 1: besef dat jouw kaart NIET het gebied is! Wat "het" is voor jou is niet eens de werkelijkheid: alleen het resultaat van een persoonlijke proces van filteren, vervormen en weglatingen van informatie zodat JIJ het kan benutten. Tevens wat 'het' is voor jou is niet per definitie ook hetzelfde voor een andere. Logisch, wij zijn toch allemaal aan het filteren?

Stap 2: retrace your steps! Denk aan het 'probleematisch gesprek'. Wat werd er verteld en waar heeft de escalatie plaats gevonden? Dat zijn hoogst waarschijnlijk de momenten waar woorden werden uitgewisseld wat niet gelijk begrepen waren. Tijd voor een voorbeeld: tijdens een gesprek heb ik tegen iemand gezegd dat ik wilde een project "parkeren". Er kwam een respons wat ik niet helemaal kon plaatsen. Even laten besefte ik dat wat werd begrepen was dat ik wilde "stoppen".

Stap 3: Leg eens uit! Nu dat het reactie is geconstateerd is het tijd om een diepe adem te nemen en te doen wat zeer nuttig is, maar wat vaak wordt beschouwd als een zinloze tijdverspilling: leg eens uit wat jij ermee bedoelde met jouw woorden. Ophelderen van het betekenis voor JOU met JOUW kaart. "Met parkeren bedoelde ik XYZ. Is dat nogsteeds 'stoppen' voor jou, want voor mij is 'stoppen' a,b,c..."

Stap 4: vraag de ander wat ze hebben ermee begrepen. Rechtzetten en "klaar is kees". Everyone happy.

En dan zien wij wel dat NLP vooronderstelling # 8 toch ten goede komt: "er is positieve intentie achter elke gedrag". De gesprekspartner heeft niet nijdig gereageerd op jou woorden omdat hij of zij zin in heeft (maar dat kan wél het geval zijn) maar wellicht meer omdat hij of zij gewoonweg een andere opvatting ervan heeft gemaakt.

Dus, NLP is niets meer dan effectief communiceren? Wat kan meer belangrijk zijn?

* Simpel he? Yes. Soms hebben mensen een flinke 'klap' nodig om uit het hallucinatiecyclus te komen ('ja maar hij zei X en ik voel me niet lekker bij' ook al ga ik niet eerst vragen wat "X" mag betekenen). Binnen NLP zijn er een aantal leuke technieken om zo'n cyclus te 'scramblen' voor iemand zodat ze nieuwe processen kunnen aanleren om verantwoordelijkheid voor hun woorden en acties aan te nemen en daardoor betere relaties met klanten, collega's, partners enz opbouwen.

En er is meer! Weet jij dat in NLP praten wij over "metaprogramma's" of denkstijlvoorkeuren? Deze zijn heel interessante, en snel te constateren, programma's die wij allemaal inzetten en wat geven lading aan een gesprek voor een, terwijl een andere staat er niet bij stil. Ik ben een HUGE fan van metaprogramma's en ik gebruik het Identity Compass instrument om deze in kaart te brengen, om de begrip te creeren bij een klant dat hij/zij wellicht een iets andere voorkeur heeft dan bij iemand anders (stap 1).
Kijk naar de Blog in de komende weken voor meer over metaprogramma's.

Misverstanden binnen de NLP community: tijd voor een reactie!

2009-04-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

"Trauma's en NLP
Tijdens een chatsessie op deze site kregen we de vraag of je met NLP ook trauma's kunt behandelen. Dat kan. Het prettige van NLP daarbij is dat je iemand niet telkens weer door die traumatische ervaring hoeft heen te loodsen. NLP veronderstelt dat veranderingen snel gaan en op een plezierige manier kunnen. En dat blijft ook gelden bij het leren omgaan met traumatische ervaringen."

Ik lees zulke opmerkingen en ik wordt zo boos! Het NLP community heeft meer dan it's fair share van mensen die hebben 21 dagen (of minder) kort NLP gestudeerd en dan denken ze om de problemen van de wereld te kunnen aanpakken. Ook diepgaande psychische storingen zeggen ze te kunnen weggewerken met een paar NLP sessies. Ik vind deze houding heel kortzichtig en niet een klein beetje arrogant. Not to mention dangerous.

Als ik lees de bovenstaande tekst, wat ik zie is dat iemand wil weten over Trauma werk.

Trauma: Een psychisch trauma komt op wanneer de normale verwerking (verdediging) niet meer helpt, en handelen niet meer lijkt te baten. Een traumatische reactie bestaat uit hyperactivering, dwangmatige herbeleving (het opnieuw beleven van de traumatische ervaring), dissociatie, verdringing, angstreacties en vervlakking (verandering bewustzijnstoestand, vertekende beleving van de werkelijkheid en veranderd toekomstbesef).

Nou, ik weet niet zeker wat deze mensen in gedachten hebben, maar ik heb gezien hoeveel NLPérs zullen denken: "o, leuk, hier kan ik de Fast Fobia Cure toepassen om mijn klant vanaf hun klachten te helpen."

Een fobie (Grieks: φοβος, fobos = angst, vrees) is een psychische aandoening waarbij iemand, om doorgaans onduidelijke redenen, een ziekelijke angst ontwikkelt voor specifieke zaken of situaties. Deze angst staat niet in verhouding tot de reële bedreiging die van de situatie of het object uitgaat en de lijder is zich hiervan goed bewust. Niet alle angststoornissen worden fobieën genoemd. Als angst niet voor bepaalde zaken of situaties is, spreken we niet van een fobie, maar van een paniekstoornis of van gegeneraliseerde angst.

Laten wij dit voor altijd opklaren (in de mening van Jane Bredius):

Een Fobie is géén trauma en een trauma is géén fobie.

Ik geeft toe dat ze op elkaar lijken maar waar een fobie niet gebaseerd is op de werkelijkheid (de klant heeft de situatie wellicht niet eens meegemaakt, zij denkt dat zij angstig is) terwijl een trauma is gebaseerd op de werkelijkheid (de klant heeft iets meegemaakt en er is sprake van een emotionele imprint waardoor zij weet dat zij angstig is).

Een voorbeeld: iets lichts
Ik ben fobisch voor spinnen. Niet de kleine, piepsie spintjes van Europa, maar wél de joekels die je kunt in bv Afrika vinden. Of misschien een Tarantula. Ik kan niet denken aan een tarantula van dichtbij zien zonder angstig te voelen (zweten, hartkloppingen, kortadem). Ik heb NOOIT een tarantula in de ogen (alle acht) gekeken, dus hoe weet ik dat ik angstig moet zijn? Het antwoord: ik heb films gezien of verhalen gelezen waarin iemand werd gedood door de bijt van een Tarantula. Eigenlijk is dat wellicht een flink dosis Hollywood dressing, en dus ik weet niet of een Tarantula echt kan doden: is het waar is of niet?
Let op: Ik ben fobisch voor spinnen: Ik doe iets actiefs (fobisch zijn).

Ik heb een Trauma meegemaakt. Toen ik 18 jaar oud was had ik een ernstig auto ongeluk, waarin de auto een 'write off' werd. Bovendien, ik was de bestuurder van de auto en ik had drie passagiers in de auto. Ook al kwamen wij goed weg uit de auto, ik had een duidelijk imprinting moment meegemaakt. Voor vele jaren na de ongeluk ervoer ik een benauwend angst voor rijden in de mis. Ik kon letterlijk niets meer zien en was dood bang dat ik een bocht over de hoofd zou zien en door een baksteen muur crashen, en en en...
En let hier goed op: Ik had een moment meegemaakt, ik doe hier niets actiefs, het is bij mij gebeurt. De programming die mijn hersens pakt stemt uit DAT moment van imprinting, wat levensecht is.

Terwijl de Fast Fobia Cure een uitstekend techniek is om mensen met Fobiëen te helpen, vind ik dat wij heel voorzichtig moeten zijn om het in het algemeen toe te passen voor alles wat op een fobie lijkt. Sterker nog, als wij met een trauma werken, de naam van The Fast Fobia Cure geeft al aan dat je de verkeerde tool uit je gereedschapkist pakt als je het in wilt zetten.

Net las ik dit ook:
"The Rewind Technique (also known as the Fast Phobia Cure or V/K Dissociation technique) is a startlingly effective method for treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic attacks and phobias."
Nog een voorbeeld van het veralgemeniseren van symptomen om op een fobie te lijken zodat de NLPér gemakkelijker ter werk gaat.

Maar dan, ik ben een lastige figuur: ik ben geen voorstander van de klant aan de tool aanpassen, liever pak ik de juiste tool en pas ik hét aan om mijn klant te verhelpen. De ervaring van de klant staat centraal.

O, en dat álles plezierig moet zijn tijdens een NLP sessie, en dat verandering snél hoeft te zijn? GET REAL! Please.

Imprinting is the term used in psychology and ethology to describe any kind of phase-sensitive learning (learning occurring at a particular age or a particular life stage) that is rapid and apparently independent of the consequences of behavior. It was first used to describe situations in which an animal or person learns the characteristics of some stimulus, which is therefore said to be "imprinted" onto the subject.

NLP Presupposition #10*: Effective Communicators make use of every word & every gesture that they notice.

2009-04-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

Which means that to make use of them, you first have to be aware of the fact that clues are all around... just waiting to be plucked from the unconsciousness and used to the max when doing any client work (in a training or coaching setting).
Once the Practitioner/Programmer starts to observe and notice what their conversation partners are up to, a whole world of information becomes visible and audible, information which can be very useful...

Let's consider an example:
I was working with X, who was having some difficulties in putting the past behind her and getting on with her future. She'd been through some serious stuff along the wayand so it could be tempting to sympathise with her and leave it at that. HOWEVER, at the moment of telling me about her problem I noticed two things:

1) She talked about wanting to leave the past behind her, right where it belongs.
2) When she indictated the past, she pointed to her left, beside her.

Now call me literal, and I'll say "thanks", because taking what my clients say 'literally' and preverbally0, has helped my clients unlock some of their biggest issues and step into a future of freedom.

So, what I noticed is that the past event has been "left beside" my client as a constant reminder of her pain, making it LITERALLY impossible for her to put it behind her.

The first step might^ be to get my client to notice this 'coincidence' by playing back the series of words and gestures that she used (backtracking+ helps here). Then I might^ to get her to understand that she has done the leaving behind and ask her whether she really does want to put it beind her. If she does, then with a whip of clever Timeline work, I might^ get her to push the past event through her (NOW) on into her past, right where it belongs.
You can guess on which side this past event will come to rest when my client tells me "yep, that feels about right."
To which, I might most likely ask "about right, or really right...?" having picked up on the next language pattern, which is the "Maybe Man Pattern".
But that is the subject of another Blog entry...

0 Preverbal: Marked by the absence of spoken language. Different to Nonverbal as these Preverbal signals could have been formed before language to be able to express the meaning of the signal was even formed.
+ Backtracking: In the NLP process of backtracking the summarization of words/gestures is carried out using the original speaker's vocal tones, body language and even the words and phrases they used.
^ I say might because I could just as easily get out my loaded finger and do some wonderfully powerful Integral Eye Movement Therapy. I would decide based on the level of emotion or strength of representations being experienced by my client by revisiting the past event.
*NLP Presuppositions: there are arguably a number of variations on how many and the actual statement of each Presupposition, so for the sake of simplicity (because I'm a simple soul), I take ten to be enough, and this is one of them. More to follow because I am constantly impressed by the impact of the NLP presuppositions when applied to real life!

First Entry

2009-04-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

OK, scary. We're on our way and the goal is to put some NLP thoughts down "on paper" every day.
By that, I don't mean the sort of stuff that you can find in an NLP book (neuro linguistic programming), but rather the real stuff - reports of Magic in Action.

Watch this space - it's going to be a blast!

Want to know more before the next BLOG?
Go to www.KYHO.nl or www.positivitynow.com for more info!